Profiler, Profiled: The Aftermath
by DarknessIsTheUniverse
Summary: After Profiler, Profiled. Morgan is struggling. Reid tries to help. Morgan doesn't react well to finding out that Hotch and Reid are a couple. SLASH  H/R, slight d/s
1. Chapter 1

Summary: After Profiler, Profiled. Morgan is struggling. Reid tries to help out. Morgan doesn't react well to finding out that Hotch and Reid are a couple. Drama ensues… Hotch/Reid and maybe slight Morgan/Reid, too.

A/N: Because I think that the aftermath was dealt with poorly on the show. And because I wanted to write Hotch/Reid for a change but couldn't bear to not make it Morgan and Reid centric as well.

Hotch doesn't think he´s ever seen Morgan cry.

It doesn't go with the image of an easygoing, confident tough profiler that he paints for himself.

And yet, the look on his subordinate´s face when Carl Buford is led out of the room in hand cuffs is so vulnerable, like he might break if he or Rossi say just one wrong word. There is also anger for not listening to him when he told them to back off, for prying until they recovered this dark, dark secret.

It doesn't last long.

Morgan pushes past them wordlessly, his eyes blazing dangerously when Hotch tries to put a supporting hand on his shoulder, to get him to calm down and talk.

"Don't, Hotch….I swear…", his voice is dangerously low, and Hotch lets go knowing he´s not ready to see Derek Morgan break down in front of him.

When they meet up with the others to go home, Morgan´s eyes are hard and unreadable, his face motionless as he sits by himself on the yet.

He looks tense, probably very aware of the fact that they are all staring at him with worried, pitying looks. JJ tries to talk to him during the flight but he just snaps at her. Hotch can feel his own discomfort growing but he knows there is nothing he can do at the moment.

He can´t force Morgan to talk –and he probably shouldn't try anyway right now. The reopened wound is too fresh.

So he stays seated, silently putting a hand on Reid´s arm when he starts to get up; he shakes his head and Reid´s face falls. He slumps back in his seat next to Hotch, staring blindly at the file in his lap.

Hotch wants to reach out and comfort him, to soothe at least some of his pain but he knows he can´t do it on the plane.

Once they land in Quantico, Reid jumps up despite his earlier warning, clearly wanting to talk to Morgan before he takes off but the black agent just grabs his bag and rushes out of the plane, not even looking back when Reid calls his name.

Reid cries that night, in the safety of Hotch´s bed, shaking like a leaf in his lover´s arms.

Hotch just holds him tightly, murmuring soft words of comfort as he smoothes back Reid´s hair, his thumb brushing hot tears off his cheeks as they both try to get over the shock.

"How could I not know?", Reid sobs, his face pressed tightly into the crook of his lover´s neck. Hotch, who has already started to worry over the intensity of Reid´s outburst, grows alarmed at the definite sound of self-accusation.

"None of us did. He made sure we wouldn't suspect anything.", he whispers into the dark, his hand rubbing small circles over Reid´s back. The last time he has seen him so out of it was after the Hankel case and it´s starting to worry him.

"But he´s my best friend. And I never even…", his voice breaks, desperate.

"It's not your fault.", Hotch whispers, holding him close as he repeats the same pattern of words over and over. Because, really what else is there to say?

None of them had the slightest clue Derek-the dog-Morgan, who has more dates in one month than Hotch has had in his whole life, was a victim of sexual abuse.

Hotch closes his eyes tightly as he thinks of his own little son, and of his slender lover pressed to him in search of something to hold onto, to shield him from the world.

Hotch is a protector.

It´s what he does every day. It is what he lives for.

He would never let any harm come to his family or friends, or just any person. But he can't protect Morgan –because the crime was too long ago, because the horror is in his mind only now.

"I want to talk to him tomorrow.", Reid breathes against his collarbone, calmer now and almost cried out. He sounds about ready to drop from exhaustion.

Hotch doesn't answer, just pulls him closer.

He doesn't say that it´s probably a bad idea, that Morgan won´t want to talk, not even to Reid. But he knows Reid will try anyway.

Come morning they will all have to face reality.

Morgan will have to come back to work and Hotch will have to have a talk with him about getting some therapy. He isn't looking forward to that conversation.

For the moment though, he doesn't want to think anymore, he just wants to hold the man he loves and be grateful.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**Thank you for reading. Please review if you want to see it continued otherwise it will be a one shot.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Since this seems to be well-received I decided to continue it. This is Morgan´s POV, next will be Reid´s.**

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><p>Derek takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself, to focus.<p>

It doesn't do much good, just like first twenty times he´s tried it.

Might as well come to terms with the fact that he is a complete mess, not just mentally but also physically.

Ever since they got the case in Chicago he hasn't slept more than maybe seven hours total.

Because of the apprehension at first, then because of his unjust incarceration and everything that followed. Even once it was over, there was no respite for him. The plane ride was pure torture what with everyone staring at him like he might snap - and then once he came home he couldn't sleep either because every time he closes his eyes now he saw either Carl Buford´s face, or that of the dead boys or the ones of his concerned team members.

He really wishes he could just go to sleep until all of this has blown over. But he doesn't want to close his eyes, doesn't want to have to deal with something he buried deep inside himself over fifteen years ago.

So over the weekend, he gets by with watching mindless TV´s shows, with exercising until he drops from exhaustion and drinking himself into oblivion if nothing else does the trick.

He doesn't answer his mother´s calls, his sisters´ e-mails, doesn't reply to his teams messages, hoping that they will understand at some point and start pretending all is well.

Because if they don't, how can he?

Drinking helped some, and occupying his mind every second. But now it is Monday and he cannot do any of that.

All he can do is sit at his desk, ignore his massive headache and his jittery nerves along with the stares of everyone in the bullpen as he tries to look like he's working.

JJ and Reid are the worst.

Or maybe Garcia is.

But at least she fell into his arms and cried once this morning only to hole herself up in her office after that. She didn't offer to fix it, fix him, because like him she probably knows that that would be futile.

JJ and Reid are right there though, looking at him not nearly as discreetly as they might think, seemingly physically struggling not to get up and walk over to his desk and try to start a conversation.

It makes him want to run from the building.

At least Emily and Rossi try to work, to give him some space.

Still, even that doesn't change the fact that they _know_. They all know his darkest secret and they will never look at him again the way they used to.

Derek wants to run and hide and never show his face again.

But he isn't Derek right now, he's Agent Morgan and he has a life to get on with, he has responsibilities.

People to save. Kids like him.

_´You would have been nothing without me.´ _

_´If you didn't want it then why didn't you tell me to stop, huh? No, this is all on you, Derek.`_

He just can't get it out of his mind.

The first thing when he came in this morning was Hotch asking him into his office. He seemed just as reluctant as Morgan felt but there was no room for argument in the way he called his name.

So Derek sat in his office, staring out the window as Hotch talked about therapy and getting better with the help of the people who love him. All that crap they tell victims in their cases.

Derek has a hard time not laughing bitterly at that notion.

What good is therapy supposed to do?

He already has gotten the best therapy he could, making sure Buford rots in jail and knowing that he has become a successful man even without him.

He has freed himself of the guilt, so all that´s left to deal with are the nightmares, really. And he doubts that any therapist will be able to do anything about those. Unless his name is Jack Daniel´s.

"I'm fine, Hotch.", that´s what he said to his boss in the end, forcing himself to look the man in the eyes: "It was fifteen years ago. I'm over it. I don't need therapy and I can do my job."

Hotch looked like he might have said more then, unconvinced but in that moment JJ knocked on the door to inform him that she had the files he had asked for. Morgan hated the way her face fell when she saw him.

That last bit of pity did it.

He got up and left even when JJ apologized for interrupting and Hotch asked him to wait.

He´s glad he didn't. There is nothing left to talk about.

But apparently that is only his opinion.

It´s lunchtime and he stand by the coffee machine hiding from JJ´s twenty third attempt to invite him to her house for dinner when the last person he wants to see right then enters the kitchen area.

Reid looks uncertain as he walks over to the cupboard and gets himself a cup, fidgety as he pushes his hair back, trying not to look at Morgan too obviously. He looks pale and unhealthy, like he hasn't slept or eaten in a while either, his clothes looking even bigger on his slender body than usual.

But that's probably just imagination, Morgan's mind projection his own feelings onto someone else.

Just as the thought crosses his mind, Reid finds the courage to look at him with those big, hazel eyes that reflect everything he feels even as he tries to keep a neutral expression.

"Morgan, I…"

He opens his mouth to say something and Morgan already know what it´s going to be.

And suddenly it´s too much. He can't bear this. Not now.

Derek pushes himself away from the counter, his coffee forgotten as he rushes towards the door. He is halfway there when a hand on his arm hold him back. The grip isn't very strong even for Reid, but it burns his skin and he yanks his arm away quickly.

Reid looks at him with wide, hurt eyes for a moment, but then a guilty expression dawns on his face and he pulls his hand to his chest, clutching it.

Morgan doesn't even want to decipher what he's thinking. He hopes to God it isn't some statistic about victims of abuse not wanting to be touched, or fearing men.

Because he isn't like that.

He doesn't have anything to fear. Any man who were to touch him in an inappropriate manner today would promptly lose some fingers. He´s a trained FBI agent, not a child. He isn't scared of being overpowered.

And even if he were. Reid assuming that he could be threatening to anyone in any way is just ridiculous. He could snap the kid like a twig.

"I'm sorry.", Reid says softly, confirming his suspicions.

It makes him feel even worse, for himself and for Reid. He doesn't deserve this shit.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Reid.", Morgan replies gruffly, every fiber of his body screaming at him to just get out of there already.

"I gotta go.", he hears himself say.

But he can't move, frozen somehow by the crestfallen expression on Reid's face. His young colleague looks discouraged by his attitude.

But he doesn't give up right away despite Morgan's dark expression.

It´s so typical for him. He´s probably played this situation out in his head dozens of times before talking to him and is determined to get somewhere now.

"Morgan, I really don't mean to intrude…but I thought that maybe we could talk…you know, if you need…"

"I don't.", Morgan answer even before Reid has finished the sentence.

"But…", Reid hesitates, but then he pulls himself together and tries again: "Derek. You're my best friend. I want to help you get through this… please let me."

It's tempting.

He's even pretty sure that Reid wouldn´t push him away if he told him the whole truth. He would be his usual supportive self.

But going there would be like opening Pandora's box. If he starts with one thing, he doesn't know if he´ll be able to stop before he hurts them both.

So he does what he has to. He´s mean.

"I don't see how _you_ could be of any help, Reid."

The effect is immediate. His aim was just right, bringing up the young man´s insecurities and his own bad experiences with victimization. He flinches and Morgan has to bite his cheek so he doesn't apologize right away.

He doesn't want to hurt Reid. But what else is he to do?

He can't talk about this. Especially not to Reid.

What is he to say really?

That he hates the idea of men being together intimately because it will never cease to remind him of his own helplessness, and self-hate as a child?

That this experience has ruined his romantic life, that he has to pretend that he likes women just so that he won't go mad with regret?

That despite all of his efforts he has fantasized about being with a certain young genius ever since they've met and hates himself for even making his best friend who is so good and pure the object of these vile thoughts?

No, Reid certainly won't want to hear that.

He can barely stand to have Reid see him as a friend who is in trouble. He doesn't even want to imagine the way he would look at him after that confession.

And Morgan is no idiot. He´s been to college, he knows about genetics and determination.

No amount of therapy is going to fix it. Ever.

All he can hope for is to bury it.

That is why he doesn't wait for Reid to recuperate from his blow, it´s why he leaves him rudely in the middle of the conversation and it´s why he spends his lunch break in the restroom, hiding like the weak child that he so desperately wants to leave behind.

When the break is over he splashes water into his face furiously, ignoring the fact that it wasn't all dry to begin with.

Special Agent Morgan wouldn't cry.

And that is who he has to be. He puts that identity on like a cape, making sure his true brittle self is well hidden behind a mask of strength again before he dares to leave the restroom.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Please review.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Im not too sure about the reception of this story. Maybe it is irritating for too many people that it´s a sort of triangle, thingy? **

**I dunno. For now it´s Hotch/Reid. **

**And here´s the good news, if you can read through Reid´s lenghty inner monolouge, there is actually going to be a very squishy description of sex. **

**Yay to that! I dont usually write scenes like that so please be gentle.**

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><p>Reid has never felt more useless, more out of control.<p>

Five days since they've retuned from Chicago.

Three days since Morgan left him standing alone in the office kitchen and just as long since they have spoken a single word to each other. Just as long since he´s slept more than three hours in a row without being woken up by nightmares of crying children.

It is finally evening after another excruciatingly long day at the office. Reid is standing in his kitchen, waiting for Hotch and cutting vegetables for their dinner without actually seeing them, blurred as his vision is from unshed tears.

He would have preferred staying at Hotch´s house again, he feels like he is suffocating in his tiny apartment.

But Hayley is already suspicious, looking at her ex-husband´s ´_co-worker over for a beer´_ oddly whenever she comes to pick up Jack and he is there, sitting at Hotch´s table like he belongs. It makes him uncomfortable for Hotch, even if he´s told him over and over not to worry about it - so he will just have to deal with his own empty apartment and stare at the walls once Hotch leaves again, his thoughts running in the same circles over and over until he´ll think he´s going mad.

He has enough horrible things to think about as it is with their cases, but this is a friend's life; it´s personal and it hurts far more.

Just imagining what might or might not have occurred in Morgan's childhood, knowing exactly that he too is awake somewhere now and that he´s in much greater pain without someone to take care of him, that´s much worse.

Reid has half a mind to just drop everything and drive to Morgan´s place, to try again to get through to him, to let him help despite everything that has happened in the office.

He only has himself to blame really. He has tried talking to Morgan despite Hotch´s reservations, despite knowing he was probably right.

It still hurts when he remembers Morgan's harsh words, telling him in not to subtle terms just how incapable and useless as a friend he thinks he is.

Of course he knows that those words were probably part of a normal defense mechanism, that Morgan would never purposefully make him feel bad about himself.

It is still hard to swallow, to come to terms with.

Maybe because there is so much truth in it. Because really what can he do to help his friend? It's not like he has the best record for dealing with bullies and assailants.

But he knows a lot about the theory, he has a B.A. in psychology after all. That he could have offered to help Morgan work through his issues.

But he didn't even get to offer.

Is that how little Morgan thinks of him? It´s understandable that he doesn't make the top of the list of people Morgan might want to confide in –but the last? That feels like a slap to the face.

Reid feels like he´s been punched in the gut and he can't even get angry over it, because it´s not him that's the victim. It´s Morgan, and Morgan's needs and feelings that he needs to consider.

The thought brings him full circle to all the pictures and reports in the Buford case file, every word etched into his eidetic memory like with a razor blade.

He doesn't hear the key turning in the door lock, doesn't hear Hotch come into the kitchen, jumping slightly when suddenly there are arms around his waist, pulling him close.

It doesn't take Reid long to relax into his embrace once he´s recognized him but he doesn't say anything, not trusting his voice at the moment. He's half afraid Hotch might be mad at him for not listening to him, but of course that fear is ridiculous.

Hotch rests his chin on his shoulder, gently nuzzling his hair as he looks at the way Reid is cutting vegetables. Or trying to at least.

"Are you alright?", he asks quietly after a moment of silence.

Reid nods, trying to sound like he means it when he replies: "Yes, I'm fine. Why?"

"Because you've been on edge ever since Chicago… Because you've turned these carrots into confetti.", Hotch adds, pointing at the counter top in front of them. Indeed, his vegetables would have been small enough had he stopped cutting them fifteen minutes ago.

Before Reid can gather enough energy to be embarrassed about spacing out, Hotch takes the large knife from his shaking hands, distracting him: "And because the spaghettis are burning."

Reid blinks furiously.

It's true. The spaghettis he's been cooking have somehow gotten stuck to the bottom of the casserole. And what´s even worse is that he can't figure out how long he must have been just standing here staring into space for all the water to evaporate.

"Damn, I´m sorry, Aaron, I…", he sputters, reaching for the pot too quickly as he tries to pull it off the stove. Hotch´s warning comes too late and his fingers sting angrily as he burns them on the hot metal.

He curses again under his breath as he quickly turns on the faucet to hold them under cold water until the pain ceases.

God, how he wishes that trick would work with the rest of him, too.

Reid busies himself with the water for as long as he can before Hotch´s gaze in his back becomes too insistent and he knows he will have to look at him eventually.

Hotch's eyes are dark and unblinking as they move over his face, touching his skin in a familiar way. They are hard to read as usual, maybe holding a mixture of worry and irritation.

"I'm sorry.", Reid says for what feels like the tenth time that day but Hotch stops him before he can ramble on, pulling him into a warm embrace. It takes but the familiar scent of skin and aftershave to make him feel warm and comforted, safe.

But even that isn't enough to get his mind to stop reeling.

What kind of a person is he?

Not noticing when a friend is in pain, and even now unable to help? Nothing but a burden to his lover, to his colleagues with his mind scattered all over the place for days…

"I´m sorry…", he chokes out again, barely audible this time as his fingers clutch at the other man´s suit jacket.

"Don't worry about the food. I had a big lunch."

He knows that Hotch is trying to lighten the mood, to get Reid to finally find back to himself but in his current state his boss could be wearing a clown´s costume and it would have the same non-effect on Reid.

"No...not that…", he shakes his head but can't quite manage to lift it from Hotch´s shoulder: "I mean, that, too … but I mean about…you know. You told me not to bother Morgan and I did it anyway."

Hotch´s fingers weave into his hair as he pulls him closer, giving him some of his strength in compensation for what Reid is lacking.

As usual.

Hotch is always so strong. Nothing like him.

"Spencer.", he reminds him gently: "I may be your boss but I can't tell you not to talk to your friends. I was just worried it might not go well."

Reid closes his eyes as he hides his face in his lover´s shoulder: "You were right."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He doesn't.

They've both seen the case file, and Reid can remember every sordid detail, every piece of evidence, every statement by Buford and Morgan. Plus, he´s sure Hotch has caught on to Morgan and Reid not speaking at some point during their work day.

He doesn't want to dissect it; he´s already done that by himself.

He just wants to forget it all for a while. Wants a break from thinking, from his life.

"No.", he shakes his head, tilting it up to seal Hotch´s lips with his.

It's not a chaste kiss, instead it´s urgent and almost desperate, just as clear a sign for him to stop talking as to not let go of him.

Hotch seems little surprised but nonetheless slightly hesitant at first, kissing back gently but not deepening their contact.

After a few moments, his hands fall on Reid´s shoulders, bringing some distance between them. Dark eyes muster him almost warily, like he expects Reid to do something irrational at any moment, maybe even like he thinks he already has.

Reid doesn't blink as he stares back, refusing to focus on anything but the desire half hidden in his lover´s eyes.

"Aaron …Please…"

Hotch doesn't have to ask him what he means.

He is too familiar with the slight change in tone and posture, the way Reid's eyes are practically screaming out what his lips won't say. His grip on Reid´s shoulders tightens, testing, thumbs brushing over his collar and Reid's eyes flutter closed as he leans into the touch.

"Are you sure?", he asks anyway, like he doesn't know if Reid has really thought it through.

They sometimes do this, change their routine when they are in the mood for it, usually after especially tough cases when Reid needs to just let go and Hotch needs to get back in control somehow, when cuddles and rose petals simply don't cut it.

But it hardly seems appropriate in light of everything going on with Morgan, and Hotch is half afraid that if he goes ahead Reid will come to his senses halfway through and have a panic attack or something.

But as Reid looks him straight in the eye, there is not even the hint of a doubt he can find.

"That has nothing to do with us.", his young lover tells him firmly, refusing to let tragedy affect another part of their lives as well: "I trust you and I want you. I know you would never do anything I don't want you to."

The complete devotion and trust reflected in Reid´s eyes is enough to make Hotch´s reluctance crumble. His grip tightens as he pushes his lover backwards, pressing him to the kitchen wall with this body weight, all thoughts of food gone in an instant.

Their second kiss isn't anything like the first with Hotch´s fingers grasping strands of hair and controlling the younger mans movements as he plunders his mouth hungrily.

He is quick to enter the mind set he needs to let go, to just let his instincts lead him. Reid´s shirt gives when he pulls at it sharply, sending buttons flying through the air. Calloused hands begin to trace every pale inch of skin available before he lets his hand travel up to curl around a slender throat. He is rewarded with a small gasp as he rests his fingers there without applying much pressure, merely another means to establish control while his lips wander over a taunt stomach, teasingly nibbling at prominent hipbones.

Reid shivers from his touch, writhing deliciously under his mouth and Hotch is glad he´s let himself be convinced to do this. Every action provides an instant relief, getting to feel the power he has in that moment, knowing that he can do anything he feels like.

They are quick to stumble into the bedroom, Hotch never releasing his hold on Reid until he falls into the mattress beneath him, gazing up at him from out of heavy lidded eyes like every dream he´s ever had.

"Aaron…"

He has to fight hard to restrain himself at hearing his name falling from slightly parted lips, urging him to continue. Hotch smiles as he reaches up to loosen his tie with deliberately slow movements, holding on to it as he crawls over his young lover with a predatory smile.

Reid whispers his name again, reaching out to pull him close but Hotch is quick to grab him by the slender wrists and push his arms over his head into the mattress, holding them there resolutely. He almost chuckles at the frustrated moan escaping his boyfriend as he half heartedly struggles in the restraining grip.

Swiftly, he moves so that his large body is covering him entirely, pressing him into the mattress.

"You're going to have to try a lot harder than that.", he whispers teasingly as he buries his face in the hollow of Reid's throat, worrying the tender skin of his throat. Reid's breaths quickly become faster, shallower as he writhes underneath his boss, pressing their bodies closer together.

They shouldn't do this, shouldn't be entertaining this sort of fantasy with what just happened to a friend of theirs, the thought is ever present somewhere way back in his mind even now.

But Reid is right.

It's not the same.

Right?

It is easy to think so with Reid's lips slack with pleasure, and his back arching into him, nonverbally begging him to continue.

If it feels right to Reid and oh-so-good to him, how can it possibly be wrong?

They both get lost in a haze of need all too quickly, desperate to separate from their workday and everything else dragging them down.

And really, he can't be taking anything from Reid when he is all too willing to give it, right? Right?

The thought doesn't recur to him until both of their clothes are long shed, and he is moving inside his lover with deep, vigorous thrusts, tearing a cry from Reid's throat with every movement of his hips, every time his fingertips dig a little harder into the tender insides of his thighs as he pushes his legs further apart or grips his hips so tightly it is bound to leave bruises. Bruises that will be green or bluish even, unlike the angry red his wrists will undoubtedly be in the morning, chafed from Hotch´s tie restraining his arms above his head.

The healthy, good part in him is tempted to stop with every one of those cries, terrified of hurting one of the people he loves most, but that part is way back in his head locked up along with reason as desire rules his mind and body.

And Reid doesn't tell him to stop, to go slower even.

He never does. He simply arches into his touches and submits to the larger body pressing him down, driving Hotch crazy with quiet moans and sighs that are almost enough to make up for the occasional sounds of pain.

They have a safe word but Reid never uses it until they are lying spent and sated in the dark afterwards, Reid's lithe body shivering even though Hotch´s embrace is as warm as the room.

"I love you:"; he whispers into Hotch´s ear, pressing close to him like he is afraid he might disappear into thin air the next moment, wrapping his arms around his neck in a desperate grip, keeping him from moving off him even though he probably squishes him.

_I love you._ Just that. That and _thank you_. Over and over until Hotch cant bring himself to apologize anymore.

All he can do is reply the same and hope that Reid can even begin to grasp the enormous amount of devotion and love he feels towards him. Can only hope that he is able to give Reid at least a peaceful sleep with his arms wrapped around him throughout the entire night.

It is hours later that Hotch is lying in bed with Reid's still but relaxed form curled up next to him, half dozing as well when suddenly the phone rings.

Hotch quickly grabs it and answers without looking at the caller ID, intent on not waking Reid from his much needed sleep.

"Hello?", he says quietly, only to be met with surprised silence.

"Hotch?"

It´s Morgan, calling Reid at one thirty in the morning.

It doesn't take a genius to deduct that he has probably come to his senses and wants to apologize for his rude behavior towards his best friend. It also doesn't take a genius to figure out that Hotch is suddenly in a rather tricky situation.

Because it _is_ one thirty in the morning and he has just answered Reid´s house phone.

"Oh, sorry man, I must have dialed the wrong number, I meant to call.."

It takes Morgan about half a minute longer than Hotch to realize what is wrong with their situation. Maybe he looks at the caller ID, maybe his brain just clicks.

Morgan abruptly goes silent, belatedly realizing that he hasn't called a cell but Reid's house.

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><p><strong>Alright, now I can get started on the actual plot. If anyone cares to read it that is.<strong>

**Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! Thank you guys for reviewing this story, I´m glad you like it so far. **

**I actually shouldnt be writing this as I have like four other stories to finish first but the plot bunnies just wont leave me alone...**

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><p>They next day at the office is rather awkward.<p>

Morgan keeps shooting both of them eerie glances looking like he is about to just walk over to them and ask the question that is burning on his lips. He can't of course, not while everyone else is within earshot and Reid has the urgent suspicion that Hotch has arranged their workday purposefully so that it can't come to a conversation.

Reid doesn't know what exactly has happened, what their situation is, to be truthful.

After his fallout the night before he slept for a good twelve hours like he was in a coma, not waking until the scent of coffee from his kitchen lured him out of bed.

_He knows something is off the moment he enters the kitchen. _

_Usually after nights like the last, they are both more relaxed and pleasant, more grounded. But while he feels all those things, there is a sharp edge to Hotch´s expression that he can't quite understand. It´s only a little thing that a non-profiler wouldn't even pick up on and Hotch does his best to be his usual self, gently kissing him good morning and engaging in light conversation while they eat. _

_But he also stares at Reid´s wrists, at his bare arms with a strained yet vacant expression on his face when he thinks his lover isn't noticing. It's worrisome and unwelcome, leaving Reid unable to focus on his breakfast. _

_It´s not unusual for Hotch to feel some misplaced guilt for marking Reid's light skin like he did, no matter how often Reid assures him that it's what he wants, that it helps him feel better. _

_No, that Reid is used to seven month into their relationship. What is odd is that Hotch just stares but doesn't say anything about it. It´s not how it usually is with Hotch asking him if he is okay, helping him put lotion on the torn skin of his wrists, sometimes even taking the risk of being late for work just to cradle him in his arms and kiss him softly, almost gingerly over and over as if to balance out his roughness the night before. _

_Today he just stares and it´s unnerving Reid. He doesn't know what this is, why Hotch´s reaction is suddenly just as bad as after the first time they did this sort of thing. He tries to recall any detail about the night that may have been different, but can't find anything out of the usual. And Hotch doesn't tell him, simply staring off into space like he is very far away._

_After another seemingly endless minute of nibbling at his toast, Reid finally can´t take it anymore and reaches across the table to put his hand over that of his lover. Hotch´s muscles flex a bit, tensing, but he takes Reid's hand with almost no hesitation, thumb lightly caressing the back of it. _

"_Aaron…", Reid licks his lips nervously, trying to make eye contact: "What wrong? Did I do something…?" _

_Hotch´s fingers tighten around his at that comment and he makes a sound that resembles a bitter scoff. For a moment he looks like he is going to comment on what exactly he thinks about Reid's question but then he just shakes his head, getting to the topic that is the most pressing: "Morgan called for you." _

_Reid looks at him in surprise. _

_Of all the scenarios in his head, this wasn't on his list of possibilities. He needs a moment to process why Morgan calling would be a cause for concern, it´s great to hear that his best friend has decided to make up with him after all. _

_So for a moment he´s almost tempted to think Hotch is only saying that to deflect from what is really bothering him - but he understands when his lover adds: "Last night while you were asleep."_

"_Oh.", is all he can say to that._

_It's immediately clear why Hotch is worried now. Morgan called him in the middle of the night to find his superior answering his best friend´s phone. That is bound to seem a little odd if not suggestive. _

"_What did he say?", Reid asks quickly, worried too now: "Do you think he knows…?"_

_This could mean trouble. It´s not only that they've kept their relationship secret due to the regulations of the bureau so far, it also doesn't take a genius to figure out that Morgan might be more than a little shocked to find out his two colleagues aren't as straight as he thought. Especially in recent light of things._

_Suddenly Reid understands why Hotch looks so nauseous._

"_I told him I was here because you needed someone to talk to.", Hotch shrugs, frowning. _

"_At one thirty in the morning?", Reid asks incredulously._

"_That's what he said, too."_

_Reid groans, running a hand over his face as his mind runs through all the possible ramifications with super speed. After a moment, he forces himself to calm down and talk to his lover rationally about it._

"_Ok. Ok, so let´s think this through…you didn't tell him anything else…so there is a chance he´ll believe your story, right? It´s not like he walked in on us doing it." _

_There´s that scoff again, combined with a flicker in Hotch´s eyes that shows clearly Morgan isn't the only thing bothering him._

"_If he had I'm sure I would be dead now.", he murmurs, thumb almost absentmindedly tracing the thin red lines on the younger one´s wrist. It´s obvious just which part of last night he is remembering and Reid gives in to the sudden urge to grab his hand tightly, making him look at him._

"_Aaron.", he says with determination, trying to get through somehow and not make this problem bigger than it has to be: "Don't do this. It´s nothing like what happened to him. I´m not a child, I know what´s best for me, alright? And you're not Buford. You couldn't be if you tried." _

"_I'm not sure he´ll see the difference.", Hotch´s voice is low, his eyes dark._

"_Well, I do.", Reid replies with determination: "It´s our relationship, Aaron, it´s nobody's business but ours."_

_He holds Hotch´s gaze until he nods, knowing it´s probably the best response he´s going to get. They probably need to talk about this yet again since Hotch doesn't seem comfortable but right now is not the time, right now there are more pressing matters._

"_Fine.", Hotch finally gives in: "But still, even if Morgan doesn't know about that… detail, he might have a problem with us being together at all." _

_This time it´s Reid who looks insecure, scared almost._

"_You mean he could… not want to be my friend anymore if he knew?", he asks, little successful at keeping the stress out of his voice. _

_Hotch keeps holding on to his hand reassuringly; this he knows. Comforting and supporting Reid is what he does best, what he should always do. _

"_Has Morgan ever voiced any sort of opinion on the subject?", he asks, easily slipping into a more rational mindset. _

"_No." _

"_Did you ever feel like he might suspect you like men?" _

_Another shaking of head is the answer: "I don't think so. I mean… I never really worried about it. I assumed he would be happy for us if we ever decided to tell the team. Of course that was before I knew…"_

_He breaks off in midsentence, staring at the table top and looking miserable yet again. _

_Hotch is quick to cup his chin and give him a look of reassurance before he can start beating himself up yet again. Knowing that Reid needs him to sure and strong is finally enough to get Hotch to stop wallowing in his own self-hate. _

_He´s not important now. Reid is._

"_It´s going to be fine, love.", he smiles, caressing his boyfriend´s cheek. _

_Reid leans into the touch instinctively, closing his eyes for a second. _

_Remaining that way, he takes a few deep breaths, before asking: "So what do we do if he asks us today at work?"_

_It´s hard, but Hotch says it anyway: "I think it would be best to not overcharge him with that. Not right now."_

_The look of hurt and dismay on Reid's face is instantaneous: "You want me to lie to him?" _

_Hotch sighs heavily, shaking his head: "I don't want you to get hurt." _

"_Morgan wouldn't…" _

"_He surely doesn't want to… but in his current state he might not think long enough to try and differentiate..." _

"_I´m not lying to him.", Reid interrupts him, shaking his head harshly. _

_Hotch can do nothing but sigh, his frown deepening: "Alright. If he asks about it again, and you feel like he would be able to handle it, tell him. Just be cautious, ok?"_

_Be careful._ The words linger on Reid´s mind even hours later as he sits behind his desk, staring at the door to Hotch´s office. It´s closed and he can see his boss on the phone through the window, looking like he too is nursing a mayor head ache.

He´s not sure what exactly Hotch thinks will happen if Morgan finds out. If he thinks Morgan will actually react badly enough to lash out and say something that will hurt Reid and destroy their friendship. He can't imagine it after everything they've been through together but then again, the situation isn't normal either.

Who knows the true extend of Morgan´s suffering?

But especially because of that, it might be good for him to know, to let him know that not all male relationships have to be based on shame and duress. Maybe it will help Morgan to find out about him and Hotch, help him see Reid as someone to talk to after all.

Just as he is thinking this, Morgan walks up to his desk, making him look up in surprise.

His expression is unreadable as he stands there, a little tense maybe but overall neutral as he says: "Hey, Reid. Wanna go out for lunch with me? I think we have some catching up to do."

Reid nods before his brain can catch up to his body, his mind reeling. Does he suspect something after all? Or does he just want to apologize?

He risks a look in the direction of Hotch´s office as he gets up, but the man is still busy and doesn't notice them leaving the bullpen. If he had he would probably want to come along, but as it is Reid figures it might be for the best if he talks to Morgan alone first.

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><p><strong>Alright, not much happend...I have to keep these short or it´ll take me forever to update. Next chapter will be Morgan´s POV again.<strong>

**By the way, I meant to say this last time but forgot: I dont mean to condone spousal abouse or whatever its called in English. Hotch doesnt beat Reid up or anything, so if I write about bruises its because he grabbed him to tightly "in the throws of passion" or something. It doesnt actually take much to get a bruise, maybe it depends on the person, but not a week goes by when I dont stare at my arms or legs wondering "How the hell did I get that?" So, anyway...you get my point.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you guys for commenting! Im glad you like the story so far. And sorry if you feel like I´m dragging it out -I tend to do that.**

**So this is Morgan´s POV and as always he does an excellent job at misinterpreting everything thrown at him. Enjoy :-)**

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><p>Reid looks tired and distressed, nervously picking at the napkin in his hands as he looks around the diner.<p>

Morgan isn't sure why, if it is their fight which has his best friend so uncomfortable, or the Buford case in general, or the thing with Hotch. Whatever _the thing _with Hotch is.

They've been sitting here for almost ten minutes and he has yet to find a way to voice his concern –mostly because he isn't too sure whether he should be asking at all.

And so what if it strikes him as odd, as questionable to have his boss pick up his friend´s house phone in the middle of the night?

There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Reid is not only to keep secrets from him- so he might very well be distressed by all those other things.

Because honestly, all those _things_ are unsettling to Morgan as well, taking away from his sleep in equal portions.

He doesn't want to talk about Buford, still not, never really –but he does want his best friend back, and he wants to stop feeling like he´s responsible for the miserable look on his pretty face - so for now he decides that an apology would be a good start.

"Reid.", he reaches across the table, barely stopping himself from putting his hand over Reid's.

He really wants to but it suddenly seems to intimate for some reason. So instead he rests it on the young man's forearm, gently demanding his attention.

Reid turns to look at him and Morgan can't help but notice the flicker of uncertainty, of tenseness on his face before it changes back to neutrally attentive.

Morgan would like to think it's only because of their fight and because Reid is afraid to have some more hurtful things thrown at him, but he still isn't sure if there's not more. If there isn't something Hotch and Reid are keeping from him.

He just can't figure out what would be so bad that the rest of the team can't know.

Hotch was so irritatingly vague on the phone that night, merely telling him Reid had needed someone to talk to.

Tsk. Talk about what? Could it be something with Reid's mother? Could he be using again?

Suddenly just as worried as guilty for not being there for him, Morgan wants to ask desperately. He bites the questions burning on his tongue back though; he has to do this right.

Maybe if they skim over his issues real quick, Reid will want to talk about his.

"Reid, I'm really sorry for how I treated you these past days, man.", he says, dark eyes holding hazel ones earnestly: "I know you were only trying to help…and I had no right to cut into you like that. I guess I just didn't know how to handle…everything…"

His honest admission must sound pathetic to Reid because almost immediately there is a slender hand covering his, squeezing slightly in encouragement.

He looks up to find Reid's expression one of relief. There is no trace of resentment, just a hint of pity maybe.

"Thank you, Morgan.", he smiles: "And I completely understand….with everything you're going through. I just really want you to know that I'm here for you. You can always call me, or come over to my apartment if you need to talk…I mean not just about that…anything really…and…"

Morgan´s crooked smile thankfully stops his rambling and he smiles back, looking slightly embarrassed. The tension between them seems lifted for now and immediately it is easier to breathe.

"Thanks, kid. I might."; he says vaguely, then decides he can't wait any longer and starts tackling his real subject of interest: "I don't want to take away from your sleep; you already look like you haven't slept in days."

Thankfully, Reid doesn't seem to catch on to his less than skillful ruse, merely smiling tiredly as he rests his chin on his hand.

"Yeah, it's been getting to me…the case, and us not speaking. I was really worried about you."

Morgan feels the first stabs of guilt at those words but is decided to not let himself be distracted. If Reid really has trouble he can make up for his shitty behavior by helping him out of it, right?

"Sorry."; he says again: "I didn't mean for it to affect you this way."

"It's alright.", Reid smiles, waving it off as usual. Morgan watches as his bony hand brushes a lock of hair behind his ear, wondering idly how Reid can be so thin and yet so handsome, so awkward and yet so graceful.

He blinks, quickly clearing his head before he can get sidetracked:

"It's clearly not if Hotch felt the need to check up on you and help you deal till that late at night."

And just like that the trap has snapped shut.

Reid looks up, his eyes widening in surprise as he realizes the sudden change of topic. He bites his lip, fiddling with his hair again.

Morgan almost feels bad for putting him on the spot like this, he doesn't want to bring this up so shortly after they've made up, doesn't want to ruin the moment, but fact is they only have so much lunchtime and he really needs to know. If only to be reassured and put it to rest.

"You know how Hotch is, he worries too much sometimes.", the younger tries to shrug it off, with minor success.

"Well, he hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet.", Morgan argues lightly but nonetheless not backing off.

It´s supposed to come over like a joke, not an accusation but merely an argument -but Reid is quick to defend him anyways: "He is really worried though. He said he tried talking to you."

Morgan nods, not particularly interested in speaking to Hotch again. He knows the man has talked to him. What he wants to now is why he talked to Reid.

But Reid is either completely oblivious to what is going on here or just very good at dodging silent questions.

Maybe he has to be a little more direct, Morgan concludes:

"Has he done that before? Come over to your place and spent the…evening? I didn't realize you were that close."

The whole conversation sounds uncomfortably like an interrogation suddenly and Reid shifts uneasily, looking anywhere but at Morgan again. It takes him a long moment to answer and vent hen he looks like he´s holding something back.

"He did… when I was struggling with the Dilaudid. He's been a real support."

Reid is picking at his shirt sleeve now, clearly not comfortable with the subject.

It´s understandable of course and his explanation sounds plausible, but something about it still rubs Morgan the wrong way. He can't seem to find a way to voice his concerns though, especially since Reid is still not looking at him.

"Reid…are you…", he hesitates before asking, lowing his voice so no one will overhear: "Are you using now?"

The young man head snaps up and he looks truly mortified at the accusation: "No! God, no, Morgan…"

"Sorry.", Morgan is quick to apologize: "I´m just worried…is there anything I should know about? Anything…anyone giving you trouble?"

He makes sure to look straight into Reid´s eyes this time, to let him know that he´ll be there no matter what, that he can tell him and that he´ll protect him. He´s sure Reid knows that Morgan cares about him, he's just not sure if he knows how much.

Reid holds his gaze for a moment, his expression unreadable.

"No.", he finally says: "No one is giving me trouble."

Realizing that this is it, that Reid won't tell him anymore, Morgan just smiles and nods, pretending not to notice the slight twitching of his fingers when he asked the question -or his avoidance of the first question all together.

They change the subject and finish their lunch peacefully before returning to the office.

When they sit back down behind their desks, Reid smiles at him just as brightly as he usually does and Morgan is almost tempted to accept that everything is alright. That Reid was just a little unhinged because of Morgan's trouble and that now that they've made up everything will be alright again.

It lasts for about an hour -which is when Hotch calls Reid into his office.

The shades are drawn but the door is slightly ajar and Morgan just happens to be walking past it when he catches their lowered voices.

"Did you tell him?" Hotch.

"No.", Reid answers quieted, sounding oddly distressed.

Morgan stops in his tracks when he catches a look at them. They are standing, facing each other in front of the desk and Reid is looking down with his arms crossed in front of him defensively, seemingly conflicted.

Both of their tone and demeanor makes it clear that they are not talking about anything trivial.

So there is more to this whole thing!

Morgan is about to just barge into the office and demand answers when Hotch suddenly takes a step closer into Reid's personal space and reaches out with on hand, tilting the young man´s chin up.

Morgan freezes, watching silently while Reid doesn't move or even look surprised by the motion. He looks up at Hotch, face anything but happy.

Hotch, whose expression Morgan can't see from where he´s standing, appears to be brushing a thumb over Reid's cheek. The whole visual is so unexpected and unusual that Morgan has to pinch himself to believe it's really happening.

"You did the right thing, Spencer. ", Hotch says, before letting go and turning away.

Morgan is quick to duck out of his line of sight and hurry along, suddenly only too eager to get away. He spends the next ten minutes hiding out in the break room, merely staring at his cup of coffee with unblinking eyes.

It feels like his brain is blocked, preventing him from doing much of anything for the longest time.

He just can't get the image of Hotch and Reid out of his mind, of the way Hotch was standing so unusually close to Reid, of the completely inappropriate way he touched him that looked much too familiar, all the while calling him Spencer.

Morgan feels the ill feeling in his stomach rise with every minute as realization sinks in, as he begins to grasp what he doesn't want to believe in a million years.

But it makes oh-so-much sense. The reason why Hotch was at Reid´s, his friend´s guilty look when he asked if there was something he needed to know, his devastation about Morgan's abuse.

There is something going on between them.

He doesn't want to believe it, to think of Hotch as anything but a father and family man –to think of Reid in any sort of physical relationship with him.

It's not even jealousy he feels, because it is immediately obvious to him that if he is right Reid definitely doesn't want to have part in it. No, if he is right -then Hotch is taking advantage of him in the worst possible sense.

Reid isn't coping not because he pities Morgan but because he is in the same situation.

The ill feeling in his stomach intensifies, making him feel sick.

The more he thinks about it the less he can believe that he didn't see it earlier; he doesn't know how he could possibly not have noticed.

It's all there in plain sight if one bothers to look and has an eye for it.

And Morgan has an eye for it. Ever since Carl Buford.

They're burned into his memory, all the little things. The looks, the seemingly casual touches, the private conversations behind a closed office door, unnecessary offers to get a ride home.

Maybe he hasn't noticed before because his brain just didn't let it happen.

Reid is like a little brother to him and he can't even begin to imagine him in that sort of predicament.

Hotch is his boss, one of the few people he would trust with his life. He can't imagine him being anything like Carl.

But it is the perfect combination of factors, Hotch being so much older than Reid, with so much control and power over his subordinate, and Reid with his low self-esteem and his abandonment issues.

He covers it well, so well that Morgan can't even begin to fathom when it started –but he has seen the expression on Reid's face just now in Hotch´s office, he´s heard their conversation and it tells him everything he needs to know.

The only thing he doesn't know is why Reid wouldn't tell him.

Could Hotch be blackmailing him, threatening him even maybe?

He immediately feels white hot anger boiling up inside of him, making him forget for a moment that Hotch is his friend, that he doesn't really want to believe this about him. He recalls Hotch´s worried expression on the flight home and feels sick imagining it might have been fake.

In the end, he decides he needs facts, he needs confirmation before he storms into his superiors office and does something stupid.

So when he sees Reid walk past the break room a while later, headed for the copy room he doesn't hesitate any longer. He swiftly gets up, mindful not to look in the direction of Hotch´s office so he won't change his mind and be forced to spend the night in a cell.

Nothing's been proven yet, and he prays that he´s read the signs wrong, that there is some kind of explanation that will permit him not to have to kill his boss.

He enters the copy room quietly, closing the door behind him, not intent on someone overhearing what he is about to say.

Reid doesn't notice him at first and Morgan spends a painful ten seconds just staring at his delicate features, his lithe frame, the way his long hair falls into his eyes as he bends over the copy machine.

It's so easy for him to see past Reid´s geeky clothes and awkward gestures and rambling, to see how beautiful and desirable he is beneath all that, with eyes like Bambi and lips that just beg to be claimed.

But until today he has never worried that some other man might see the same. He thought that if he could restrain himself Reid would be safe.

He has never cursed his ignorance more than in that moment.

The words spill out of his mouth before he can stop himself, panic pushing them past his tongue: "Is there something going on between you and Hotch?"

His heart falls when Reid's back goes completely rigid at the sound of his voice, letting Morgan know he isn´t the only one holding his breath.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hiya :-) **

**Figured I´d update this before the new week. To be honest I´m a little frustarted with my other fics right now, so this week is Profiler, Profiled time.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"Is there something going on between you and Hotch?"<p>

Reid freezes at the unexpected question, only yearlong FBI training keeping him from actually jumping three feet in the air in shock. His heart missing a beat, his fingers clench around the edge of the copy machine as he allows himself to recover for exactly three seconds.

When he turns around the smile on his face would be innocent enough to fool any profiler.

At least he hopes it is, because Morgan's face is just as tense as his voice as he stands in the door way, arms crossed over his broad chest.

It is unusually hard to read his face, to figure out where his tension originates from and which degree of truth would spark what reaction.

On one hand, Morgan looks so worried that Reid almost forgets the promise he made to Hotch and tell him everything just too reassure his friend and keep him from making more false assumptions.

To just say yes, admit that he is in a relationship with Hotch and that he is not using or worse –to hope that Morgan will be relieved and that that will be it.

But Morgan also looks suspicious and on edge as he asks this particular question which makes it very clear that nothing would be alright if he were to say that.

No, it is clear that whatever Morgan thinks is going on -whether he really suspects a physical relationship or something more platonic- he doesn't seem pleased.

So Reid barely catches himself from slipping up, instead deflecting and hoping it will work.

"What, no!", he exclaims, hoping his voice doesn't give his fluttering heart away: "No, I already told you. He's just helping me through some stuff."

He waits for Morgan to ask what stuff he means, almost hopes that the man just feels left out and that that is what he means by _something going on_.

But there is no answer.

Morgan just stares at him in a way that makes Reid turn around and busy himself sorting through the pages he's copied just so he won't have to hold that penetrating gaze –hoping that it doesn't look like the nervous gesture it is.

"I saw you.", Morgan says just as the silence threatens to stretch too much and Reid freezes internally: "In his office."

His voice has a forced calm to it, like he is trying hard to keep whatever emotion he is feeling on the inside.

Slowly, Reid turns to look at him, knowing full well that he's been caught. He can only pray that Morgan is talking about this afternoon, because if he's seen them on some other occasion this is bound to be very embarrassing. Today, they may have looked a little suspicious but there is no real evidence to nail them with.

"Talking over a case file, you mean?", he deflects again, knowing it was a mistake when anger flashes across his best friend´s face.

"No, Reid.", he simply says, disturbingly flat, leaving no doubt as to what this conversation is about. His eyes are dark, a storm brewing that can't be hidden behind silence.

Reid can't help but wince, wrapping his arms around himself protectively as he tries to steel himself for whatever is to come. He knows he isn't ready for Morgan to end their friendship, for him to despise him.

But it is all there in his expression: Anger, betrayal, revulsion even.

It's in plain sight, hovering, smothering him already without being outspoken.

The realization that Hotch was right to keep quiet brings tears to his eyes and he has to blink hard to get rid of them.

He is afraid to come clean and see true disdain or even disgust on his best friend´s face, afraid to say the words that could end their friendship.

But what else is he to do?

It's already there. It's too late to go back.

Now all he can do is deal with what's to come as best as he can and show that he isn't ashamed of his love for Aaron Hotchner no matter what.

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><p>Morgan feels his heart clench at the way Reid reacts to his words, how he curls in on himself, becoming defensive, looking miserable, scared almost. He almost feels guilty for causing that kind of reaction until he remembers that it's not really him causing it.<p>

Reid is scared because of what Hotch has put him through; he is acting like any victim in a case like this would. He's not feeling that way because of Morgan.

"Kid…", he says, letting his voice become a bit softer as he steps into the room: "I need to hear you say it."

Reid flinches again, hesitating and Morgan has to push all sorts of horror scenarios from his mind which could invoke such a reaction.

God, he can't understand how anyone could ever find it in them to hurt someone like Reid, to make them suffer in any way. It's much like hurting an innocent child, he thinks, after all here is a reason he calls Reid _kid_; it's part of the reason he has never even considered making his feelings known to him.

And now Reid looks so scared, so breakable that Morgan just wants to step up to him and wrap both arms around him.

But he is afraid of it being misunderstood; afraid that Reid might feel uncomfortable or pressured so he merely lays a hand on the kids shoulder, squeezing slightly.

Reid lifts his head slowly, hesitantly, only reluctantly meeting his eyes. For a long moment they just stand in silence, then Reid takes a deep breath before choking out the words:

"Morgan…I'm gay."

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><p>Reid resists the impulse to back away once the words have left his mouth. He just wants to be out of here, anywhere but here.<p>

God, how he wishes Hotch were here with him now, he would know what to say, how to react. He would be there to support him, to face Morgan and his issues appropriately.

As it is he only has himself and his fears and the growing silence between them.

He risks another glance into Morgan's face and is surprised to only find slight impatience there, like Morgan is waiting for him to continue.

"And I…I'm seeing Hotch….I mean Aaron. I'm with Aaron."

It actually feels good to say that out loud for the first time ever, to be true to himself, to what they have. Even if he is about to be crushed for it.

He scans Morgan's face for any telltale signs of the expected emotions, his confusion growing when he finds pain and guilt instead.

Another hand on his shoulder. By now he's unsure of whether he's being held in place or used for support.

Morgan shakes his head, his face crunched up in hurt as he stares at him. In that moment it first occurs to him that something about this conversation isn't quite right.

"God, Reid, I'm so sorry.", Morgan mumbles, pained: "I should have noticed something, I should have known…. You were all alone with it…."

At first it's like asking _what time is it_ and getting _orange_ for an answer.

It takes Reid a long moment to even begin to make sense of what Morgan is saying, why he isn't mad but acting so weirdly instead.

"He had no right. But that bastard is never going to come near you again."

And then finally, the words fall into place, freezing him into place with dread worse than anything he could have anticipated ever.

No.

It can't be what he means…

But…that look…those words.

Buford.

Morgan and Buford.

Him and Hotch.

Oh God, no, he's drawing parallels, he's misinterpreting what he thinks he's seen.

Suddenly Reid feels sick.

"What, Morgan what are you talking about?", he asks tonelessly, afraid to even voice the question.

But Morgan doesn't react to his words, obviously thinking he's trying to deflect still.

"Reid, stop it. Just tell me."

Reid's eyes widen when he realizes what's going on here, how bad it really is.

Suddenly, Morgan having a problem with his sexuality seems ridiculously trivial.

With horror, he realizes how badly scared and traumatized Morgan must be to draw that kind of conclusion regarding the relationship of two people he knows. To even think that Hotch -_Hotch_ of all people could be anything like Buford.

He swallows hard, his throat constricting painfully as he thinks of his lover, his Aaron, kind and caring, brave and so self-sacrificing, not only in their relationship but in every aspect of his life.

Aaron Hotchner is the best person he knows.

And until ten seconds ago he would have sworn that their team, their family had the same unwavering faith in him.

He forces himself to breathe, to stay rational and not let himself be on drowned by emotion as well.

Clearly, Morgan doesn't really think of their boss that way, he's just so scarred, so traumatized that he isn't thinking clearly…clearly…

"Morgan…", he hesitantly lets his hands fall on Morgan's, picking his words carefully, nervously licking his lips: "Derek…what happened to you was horrible…this….this is why you need to talk about it…you're clearly still…"

He winces when Morgan's grip unexpectedly tightens and his eyes flash with emotion; he doesn't even react to his words, upset to a level that is unsettling now.

"How did he do it?", he suddenly asks straight up, eyes flashing with fury: "Guilt? Did he tell you you owe him? Or that you won't get anywhere without him? Did he threaten to fire you?"

Reid returns his gaze with growing horror as he listens, forced to realize that Morgan actually means every word he is saying. He is convinced that his relationship to Hotch is exactly like his with Buford. There is not even the hint of a doubt that it could even be anything else, anything healthy.

It feels like being stabbed in the chest, realizing that not only does his best friend not trust their mutual close friend, but that he doesn't even consider the alternative, that the idea that Hotch could truly love Reid doesn't even occur to him.

Pain flares up inside of him, too intense to fight down, and before he knows it he pulls away from Morgan, tears of anger burning in his eyes as he steps back from the man.

"Reid, you have to tell me the truth.", Morgan insists, clearly still misinterpreting his reactions: "You don't have to be scared, I´ll protect you."

"Protect me from what?", Reid bites out scornfully before he can stop himself: "Hotch? Are you listening to yourself, Morgan? How could you ever think…how dare you compare him to that monster!"

"Spencer-"

"Don't _Spencer _me!", he snaps, interrupting him: "I want to help you, I really do! But I'm not going to stand here and let you denunciate Aaron! We are a couple and if you have a problem with that then I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

He bites back the sobs that threaten to take over, storming past Morgan before they start to fall. He doesn't look back, doesn't react to anyone's worried expressions as he practically runs through the bull pen and locks himself into a bathroom stall.

There, he leans against the stall´s wall for almost ten minutes, just trying to get himself back under control. Since this morning he was afraid that Morgan might react badly to their relationship, but that, he would have never expected. And it feels so much like betrayal that he can barely breathe…

Everything in him screams to run to Hotch, but he knows he can't, not here, because he knows he will completely break down if Hotch so much as hugs him right now.

Plus, he can't tell him the reason, can't ever let him know what Morgan said about him. Ever.

Fifteen minutes later, he feels just as miserable, just as torn up inside –but confident that he'll be able to keep himself in check as he returns to his desk and continues his work, ignoring everyone's stares including Morgan's.

He's mildly surprised that Morgan hasn't stormed Hotch´s office yet, but he kind of hopes that his outburst has knocked some sense into the man after all, has made him see how terrible his accusation really was.

Maybe. Maybe he already feels sorry.

If he does, Reid might let him apologize later on and then try to put the pain caused behind him to help his friend.

Later, but not now. Right now, he doubts he can even look at Morgan.

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><p>For the dozens time in the past few days, Morgan finds himself caught between a rock and a hard place.<p>

No matter what Reid said to him, and how convinced he sounded, he still cannot believe that Hotch and Reid's relationship is anything but an abusive one. It very likely is -even if Reid chooses not to see that, to delude himself.

And yet, he seemed so genuinely upset when he accused Hotch that Morgan makes himself reconsider the whole situation.

Could it really be possible for those two to have a healthy, normal relationship? That Hotch really loves Reid?

He tries to picture it, but every time he does he ends up either feeling sick or furious.

It is no use he realizes, he has to talk to Reid again and either get him to snap out of his delusion, or get him to stop lying or get a really good explanation.

The only problem is that Reid has been avoiding him meticulously ever since their fight and is very careful to not ever be in the same room alone with him now. Which means Morgan is stuck.

He can't go to Hotch and break the man's face, -well, of course he can but with the unexpected twist of Reid denying everything he won't be able to explain it to Strauss later on. He could still do it just because but he decides he can still do that later.

For now Reid is most important.

His brain eventually devises the plan to offer Reid a ride home at the end of the day or talk to him on the parking lot but it soon becomes very evident that that won't be happening if Reid can help it. Over the course of the day, he continues to avoid him like the plague, always making sure to stay too close to someone else for Morgan to come up and talk to him again.

Morgan fully understands why Reid is so upset.

He is naturally scared, probably even terrified now that he's been found out. It is beyond common in victims to arrange themselves with their situation and then be afraid to get out of it for fear to make everything even worse. He doesn't believe yet that Morgan will protect him no matter what, that he needed be scared.

Yet another reason to speak alone with him, to convince him.

So running out of ideas, Morgan eventually does the only thing he can think of.

It is late afternoon already. The next time he walks past Reid he _accidently_ bumps into him, _accidently_ spilling half of his coffee over the young man's shirt.

Reid gasps, not in pain of course because Morgan has made sure the coffee is long cold –but then excuses himself to go change downstairs in the locker rooms with a brief dirty look in his direction, like he thinks that was retribution or something equally puerile.

Morgan waits five minutes before following into the changing room.

He looks around quickly but he's in luck: there's no one around from what he can see and no voices apart from Reid murmuring to himself as he stands in front of a locker, prying off his ruined shirt.

For a moment Morgan finds himself once more staring, despite the inappropriateness of the situation, caught off guard to find his love interest naked from the waist up.

Again, Reid doesn't notice him. He's getting out a new shirt and Morgan is just about to make himself known when he realizes just what he is staring at.

Both of Reid's wrists show ligature marks, bright red in contrast to his pale skin and there are faint but visible fingerprints on his arms, shoulders…on his hips.

He blinks furiously - but they won't go away. Morgan feels his insides grow cold as unbidden images of how those marks must have gotten there pop into his head, turning his stomach.

So he was right.

Worse than that. Hotch isn't just taking advantage of his subordinate, he's actually physically hurting him.

White hot fury sets his veins on fire and a growl slips past his lips before he can stop himself.

"I'm going to kill him!"

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><p><strong> I hope that made some sense. Again, many misunderstandings to sort out. We´ll see how it goes :-)<strong>

**Thanks everyone for reading and please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to everyone for commenting! I´m really enjoying writing this story for you :-)**

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><p>"I´m going to kill him!"<p>

For the second time that day, Reid jumps in shock at Morgan's unexpected voice from behind him.

This time though it is obvious he isn't asking a question, and his anger isn´t nearly contained.

Reid spins around, only to startle yet again when he finds Morgan standing right in front of him, looking livid.

"Morgan, what are you-?", he asks, worried, taking an instinctive step back to bring some distance between them. For some reason, Morgan looks like he is about to hit someone.

Instead of answering, Morgan's hand shoots out to grab the open front of his shirt, one harsh tug exposing his chest and stomach. In that moment, Reid feels himself grow rigid with shock, an ill feeling spreading on the bottom of his stomach.

It isn't just because of unexpectedly being manhandled like that but because he suddenly realizes _what _has Morgan so furious.

He stumbles backwards, disentangling himself from Morgan´s grip with all the force he can muster; he quickly fumbles to close his shirt, his cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame.

The tell tales of his last night spent with Hotch are still clearly visible on his skin, love bites and other imprints that nobody has any business seeing. Reid is as much as private person as Hotch and the thought of anyone, much more a colleague or friend getting insight into his sex life is mortifying to say the least.

Too late, he realizes that his prior argument with Morgan is still not resolved, remembers what he has been accused of and blanches even further, suddenly feeling sick again.

Morgan has let go of him but is still uncomfortably close, looking at him with an expression between fury, pity and regret -but not really surprised.

Suddenly his colleague´s words from before make terrible sense and he wants to smack himself for reacting the way he just has, not making it look like he is self-conscious but like he wants to hide signs of abuse.

"Morgan, this isn't what you think.", he says hastily, cursing the whole situation.

He closes the buttons on his shirt with unsteady fingers, while desperately searching for the right words to say here.

Instead of listening, Morgan just stares at his wrists, bared when his sleeves slide down with his movements and giving a clear view of the reddish marks around them.

Reid draws in a sharp breath, fighting the impulse to hide his hands behind his back like a guilty child. He had forgotten about those. Damnit.

God, what the hell is he going to do now?

Morgan was about to go ballistic just at the thought of him being with an older man –he doubts that he can just slip in a comment about ´unusual preferences´ and resolve the issue that way. Apart from that being beyond embarrassing –he doesn't think Morgan will even begin to understand his reasons.

He doesn't have to look up into Morgan's eyes to feel the boiling tension in the room mount with every second.

"What is it then, Reid?", he asks, his voice barely contained, like he is holding on by a thread.

His whole body seems to be quivering with rage by now and Reid can't help but feel a little intimidated by it. It doesn't help when Morgan suddenly snatches one of his arms, pushing back the shirt and holding it up for Reid to see, like he doesn't know what his own arm looks like.

"Tell me, go on.", he snaps, his grip uncomfortably tight: "Look at me and tell me those aren't from Hotch."

"They…", Reid breaks off unable to find the right words to say. He suddenly feels terribly cornered.

He can't lie if his life depends on it and Morgan knows that, but he also doesn't want to lie, doesn't want to deny Hotch and him. But Morgan can´t, _won't _understand this…not if he didn't even understand a gay relationship in general.

In the end, he can't answer, just looks down, biting his lip:

"I…Morgan, I… you wouldn't…"

He expects Morgan to get angry at him now, to accuse him but the older man suddenly lets him go, stalking towards the door before Reid has even got time to realize the change.

"_He_ will have to explain himself!", he growls and Reid knows instinctively that something awful is going to happen.

By the time he has buttoned up his shirt and can get his feet to move, Morgan has long stormed out of the room and is nowhere in sight.

Suddenly more than anxious, Reid starts running up the stairs, hurrying towards the bullpen. Even before entering the office he can hear the noises, yelling and sounds of demolition. He runs faster, his heart skipping beats as his head comes up with all kinds of horror scenarios.

The office seems to be frozen in time as he storms through the door, everybody's stopped in mid-action, staring up at the closed door to Hotch´s office, listening to the raucous going on behind it.

"Spence, what-?", JJ, asks in bewilderment as she sees him and his disheveled state, immediately growing even more worried.

"Call an ambulance.", he tells her, not even stopping before running by her.

There is no doubt in his mind that it will be needed with the way Morgan was looking just now. His heart beats faster in worry for Hotch, but also for Morgan…

Just as he reaches the office door there is a loud bang that shakes the wall next to him with the impact of someone being slammed against it.

Without hesitation he rips the door open, freezing for a second at the sight of his lover pressed to the wall, Morgan's large hand squeezing his throat without respite.

Hotch looks battered enough without being choked, blood flowing from a cut on his forehead; he looks alarmed but Reid can tell he isn't using his entire strength to fight back, paralyzed by it being Morgan, his friend, his colleague who is attacking him without warning or reason.

"Morgan, stop it!", Reid yells, psychically throwing himself at the two before he can come up with a logical resolution.

There is no time for talk right now, not with Hotch in acute danger. He tears at Morgan's arm trying to dislodge them from his lover´s throat but Morgan barely seems to notice as he keep yelling at Hotch, furious and hateful.

"Do you enjoy that, hurting someone weaker? DO YOU! Maybe you ought to experience a good beating yourself before you understand!"

Morgan´s text remains the same, mixed with profanities as he wrestles Hotch to the ground, straddling him as he starts actually beating him with his fists. Reid knows he is panicking, barely hearing his own screams as he tries to get them to stop but isn't heard, he doesn't stop fighting until the rest of the team storms in, Prentiss pulling him to the side while Gideon and two more men wrestle Morgan off of Hotch.

"What the hell, Morgan?", Prentiss yells at her colleague, her angry confusion mirroring that of everybody else in the suddenly small office.

She's not the only one looking shocked by one of the team physically attacking another; they are all family and they fight sometimes but never, never like this.

By now, Hotch has gotten into a kneeling position, Gideon still clasping his shoulder. He wipes blood out of his face. His eyes flicker from Morgan who is standing by the wall, looking barely contained, to Reid who looks devastated, hand trembling as he presses it to his lips, shooting him desperate looks of apology.

Realization flickers over Hotch´s face at last and his expression darkens; he doesn't look surprised anymore as Morgan growls at him.

"Why don't you ask him _what_?"

By now, the rest of the team seems to realize that there is something mayor they aren't in on. They look between Morgan, Hotch and Reid with questioning expressions, wary of how to feel as long as they don´t have facts.

Along with his general fears, Reid is suddenly hit by another kind of dread; Morgan can easily tell everybody in the office about them in his rage. He can out them just like that and destroy everything –just because he thinks Reid needs his help.

He scrambles over to Hotch, kneeling on his free side to help him up. It is not an action that seems out of place for the casual observer but he hopes that it sends a clear message to Morgan, that he is on Hotch´s side and that Morgan is the wrong one here.

"Don't get up, an ambulance is coming.", he says quietly, avoiding to look at the blood smeared over his lover´s face. Hotch leans on him as he stands up and Reid leans back, another nonverbal sign.

"Don't need one.", the older man declines but no one acknowledges his protest.

Reid risks a glance at Morgan, hoping that his face shows exactly how he feels about this whole situation.

And really, Morgan has fallen silent, looking at him with an expression that looks so devastated, shocked and agonized that it tears at his heart strings. He seems to be pleading with him to speak up silently, to not side with Hotch but with him.

Reid makes himself look away; as hard as it is not to go over to his friend and try to help him too, he can't, not in this dangerous situation and maybe not in general. Not if Morgan doesn't want to understand.

In the end, Morgan lets out a sound that sounds like that of a hurt animal before shaking off Gideon and storming out of the room –and probably out of the building.

Neither Hotch nor Reid look after him, or speak another word on the subject until the paramedics arrive to take care of Hotch.

Three hours later, it is getting dark and they are still in the hospital despite Hotch´s protests that he is quite alright. The doctors have assured them that there is nothing seriously wrong but they are still waiting for the results of the CAT-scan to make sure he doesn't have a serious concussion.

Hotch is clearly antsy to get out of bed but Reid´s expression guilts him into staying put every single time. The team is gathered around him and they have to keep dodging questions; Morgan hasn't shown up again and no one knows where he's gone off to.

It is a tense wait before JJ and the other finally leave, for now accepting a half-assed explanation of what happened with Morgan.

They will have to come up with something better come morning but for now Reid can't think of that, only glad and immensely relieved when they are all gone and he can slide onto the bed next to Hotch and hug his lover tightly.

Hotch´s wraps both arms around him, resting his chin on his hair and they just hold each other for a long moment, savoring each other's presence. In the end though, Hotch shifts slightly and Reid knows the time for answers has come.

"What happened, love?"

Reid doesn't look up, wanting to bury his face in Hotch´s chest but afraid he'll hurt the other man. Instead he fumbled with the bed sheets, looking anywhere but at Hotch´s face.

"I'm so sorry."; he finally whispers: "This is my fault…"

He feels tears burning in his eyes at the realization of how true this is. Hotch was hurt because of him, because of his inability to speak up for himself. He can feel Hotch shake his head against him but he lets him continue silently.

"He found out somehow…about us. Worse…he is convinced it is just like with him and Buford, that you…that we…you know…", Reid breaks off, unable to voice what he needs to say. Hotch seems to catch on anyway.

"Why would he think that?", he asks, an edge to his voice that is disquieting: "The age difference, our jobs…"

Reid gulps, hesitating. The last thing he wants is for Hotch to feel guilty again but he realizes he can't _not_ tell the man.

"Well, that and he kind of saw me…without my shirt on."

He holds his breath as he feels Hotch tense against him, his hold on him letting up some. As if to counteract the movement and the sentiment behind it, Reid cuddles up closer to his lover, willing him to hold him close again.

"I told him it's ridiculous…that you love me…but he wouldn't listen…and then when he saw…he just snapped…I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Spencer.", Hotch says after a moment, rubbing his arm comfortingly: "None of this is, you hear me?"

He sounds sad if not distressed and Reid keeps quiet, not because he fully believes him but just to keep from giving him even more grief.

"What are we going to do?", he asks instead, almost to quiet to understand. He tries, but can't quiet keep the fear for their future out of his voice.

Hotch takes a deep breath, reaching up to rub his face until he remembers that it is too sore to do so: "I'm going to talk to Morgan once he's calmed down. Try and get him to see outside of the story."

"No! What if he attacks you again…?"

"We don't really have much of an alternative.", Hotch shrugs, darkly: "We can't just go on like this and pretend that nothing happened. Even if he lets us. For all we know he could be telling Gideon or Strauss even all about us first thing tomorrow."

Reid tenses against him, fully aware of the consequences that would have for their jobs and private lives. It could destroy everything.

"What if he does?"

Again, Hotch can only shrug: "We´ll cross that bridge when we get there."

He touches his hand to Reid's face before continuing, gently urging him to look up.

"The only thing that's important is you and me. I love you so much, baby, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

His boss´ dark eyes look pained as he says this and it is almost too much in combination with his messed up face. Yet, there is also so much affection in them that Reid can't help but lean into his touch, careful to keep eye contact so Aaron will believe his answer.

"Don't apologize.", he says softly but fervently, putting his hand over Hotch´s: "You're everything that I could have ever wanted. I love you so much, Aaron."

Hotch smiles warmly, caressing his face: "I love you more."

Reid smiles back, some of the tension finally leaving him in the familiar comfort of their embrace. He doesn't understand how, but somehow Hotch can always convince him that everything is going to be alright.

"To the moon and back?", he asks, smirking slightly.

Hotch grins, leaning down to kiss him softly, lovingly.

"To the moon and back."

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><p><strong>That last part was a bit sappy, I know. Hope you liked it anyway. <strong>

**Next chapter could either be Morgans POV and an advancement of the story OR Morgan and Reids thoughts concerning the more "mature stuff" (which, as you may guess, is really just a sad excuse to write more smut ;-) Your choice!)**

**Please review :-)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hiya, I just wanna thank everyone who reads ad comments on this. Love you guys :-) This is Hotch´s POV and a sort of flashback just so youre not confused about the chnage of tenses. i tried to improve my punctuation here, but it probably still sucks. Sorry bout that.**

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><p><em>"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."<em>  
><em>— <span>Oscar Wilde<span>_

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><p>´It started about two months into their relationship.<p>

Both of them had been overly careful, hesitant almost because of their jobs and what little remained of their private lives.

Normally, Hotch wasn't the kind of person to blow caution to the wind because he felt attracted to someone, but with Reid it was different. Reid had been special since day one.

At first, he´d thought his reaction to the young agent was normal, after all, the whole team was overly protective of him, constantly feeling the need to shield him and coddle the seemingly fragile young man.

It took him a while to realize that while Garcia And JJ turned into mother hens, Gideon into an overly concerned dad in Reid´s presence and Morgan frequently got a little overprotective –neither of them seemed to feel the urge to stare at the kid during meetings, fascinated by the way his lips moved without hearing a single word he said, that neither of them kept thinking of things Reid had said and done and asked that day when they went home, replaying every little interaction in their heads like Hotch did.

At first, he tried to push it away, not to think of it –until he not only stopped hearing what came out of Reid's mouth during meetings but additionally started imagining walking up to him and kissing him passionately, shutting him up for good.

As his obsession grew, he automatically drew away from Reid during work, going out of his way not to touch him or stare at him or be alone with him – but at the same time he suddenly became aware that Reid seemed to be doing the exact opposite.

The more he distanced himself the more Reid seemed to seek his presence, his approval, his input.

Hotch never really had a chance.

He could spend all night telling himself that it was inappropriate, that Reid was too young, too inexperienced, too good for him, that he was imagining any interest from his side –but then in the morning, with Reid standing in his office, asking him to look over a file that didn't need looking over, or standing just a bit too close to him in front of the pin board, or brushing fingers with his when he passed him the sugar, Hotch knew he was fighting an unwinnable battle.

Then came the Hankel case, seemingly taking years off his life with the fear he felt knowing Reid in moral peril. It was an immense relief holding Reid in his arms afterwards, pulling him close and realizing just how much he really meant to him.

After that, Reid went through a tough time, losing control over himself, getting paler and more tired every day.

How could he not offer his help?

It was only when Reid was sitting in his living room one evening, telling him about all his troubles and looking more fragile, more vulnerable than ever that Hotch realized it might not have been such a good idea to invite him to his home with no one else as surveillance and the kid getting drunker than anyone ever should.

He tried to focus, to work through Reid´s issues with him instead of getting distracted by him sitting right next to him, eagerly emptying the bottle of wine Hotch had offered. Hotch suggested he stop drinking but Reid ignored him and just kept talking, seeming oddly nervous; Hotch wanted to just take the glass from his hand -but that would have meant touching him and he didn't trust himself to do that.

Instead, he found himself staring at Reid´s flushed cheeks and his slightly tousled, long hair, at the piece of his collarbone showing where he´d taken of his tie and opened a button of his dress shirt.

He barely heard Reid say something about him, about him always being there for him, a rock, a confidante, about how much he trusted him, how grateful he was –

Before his brain could process the information, Reid was suddenly kissing him, hesitant and a little uncoordinated, his breath hot and sweet against his mouth.

By the time Hotch´s brain had rebooted, Reid was practically sitting in his lap, arms slung tightly around his neck. He´d gone right back into overdrive, literally overheated.

The next morning, he woke with a killer headache and the very acute sensation of someone not Hayley curled up next to him in bed.

The next few days had been difficult, with Hotch struggling with his conscience while Reid kept trying to convince him there was nothing to regret, nothing to be sorry for, that he had only gotten what he had wanted for a long time.

It took Hotch a while to actually believe the young man and get over his guilt but eventually they gave it another try.

The first weeks of their relationship were marked by careful, testing approaches, both of them staking out each other's boundaries and expectations. Their sex was aimed at comfort, at support and company more than anything, slow and sensual and careful. Hotch did what he was used to from his marriage, somehow feeling that in many ways he had to be just as careful with Reid as with any women he´d been with. More than anything he was afraid of hurting or scaring the young man away. It took them months to work up to a point where they even came close to anything less vanilla.

The first time it happened was after an especially tough case, after interrogating Vincent Perotta.

The incident shook him up and brought up emotions he usually kept well hidden under layers and layers of reason and control. When this had happened in the past, he would stay away from Hayley until he´d calmed down again, working off his energy by walking around for hours or exhausting himself through sports to keep from mindlessly punching walls or demolishing furniture.

He couldn´t wait to get out of work that evening, barely keeping from snapping at the team every time they spoke to him. He wanted nothing more than to just get out and be alone before he did or said something he would regret.

The problem was Reid wouldn't leave him alone. Although he must have sensed the tension and aggression boiling under the surface, he got into Hotch´s car like he did every day, insisting on going home with him.

Hotch had tried explaining that that wasn't a good idea but Reid just kept shrugging, telling him he understood, that he wanted to be there for Hotch to talk to. Hotch hadn't known how to tell him that talking wasn't what he needed right then, afraid to push Reid away as much as of keeping him close.

That night, he remembered like it was only yesterday.

"Please, just…" he had turned away, pinching he bridge of his nose in aggravation, "just give me some space, ok? I´m not myself right now."

There was the soft sound of steps from behind him, crossing the living room, and then Reid was hugging him, pressing his face into his shoulder from behind. "I know you're upset, Aaron. Please, let me help. You always helped me in these situations…so let me-"

The care, the comfort had been almost too much to take and he´d pulled away, turning around and firmly taking Reid by the shoulders to keep him at an arm's length when he made to step forward again.

"This is different. I can´t –" he broke off, barely in control, ashamed of his own weakness, "Please just leave…I don't need comfort right now."

He was sure that his emotions must be showing on his face, the darkness along with the aggression and expected for Reid to finally take the hint and leave. But Reid just put his hands over Hotch´s wrists, holding on.

"What…what do you need?" he´d asked, looking up at him, slightly wary but nonetheless determined to help.

The look in his big hazel eyes had been almost too much for Hotch to take. Before he could stop himself he´d grabbed his young lover tightly, crushing their lips together in a way they had never kissed before.

Reid gasped in surprise at the sudden assault but didn't pull away, unresisting in the too tight embrace. Hotch kissed the other man fervently, his hand gripping his neck tight, to a degree he was sure must be uncomfortable in the least. He didn't want to be this way, didn't want for Reid to see him as anything but a strong dedicated boss and gentle, considerate lover. Not this, not his darkness that threatened to stain and overtake anything good in his life.

His mind was screaming at him to stop as he gripped Reid jaw tightly, practically prying his lips open and claiming his mouth, but it just felt too good…

Surprisingly, he got no protest whatsoever. Reid opened up to him like it was the most natural thing, kissing him back softly but enthusiastically. He merely gasped in surprise, clinging to Hotch´s neck when he was pushed down on the couch, his boss´ heavy weight settling over him, taking the breath out of him.

Hotch groaned as heat, familiar but magnified by the situation rose inside him, forcing himself to break the kiss before he could go any further. He looked down at the thin young man trapped beneath him, breathing heavily - guilt flashing over his face. He let go and sat up quickly, taking a deep breath, and shaking his head guilty.

"You need to leave. I don't trust myself right now."

He made to pull away but Reid held onto him, hands digging into the fabric of his shirt, wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him back down.

"Please, Aaron," he whispered, looking at him pleadingly, "don´t shut me out. I want to be there for you and help you…in any way I can."

"But-", Hotch protested, not sure if Reid might not quite understand what was really going on.

But the other didn't seem frightened or shocked by his behavior, slightly flushed if anything.

"I'm not as fragile as you guys think. I'm not going to break, I promise."

He smiled slightly and Hotch could find nothing but absolute confidence in his eyes, taking his breath away in amazement.

That moment had marked a whole new chapter to their relationship.

For the first time he had consciously become aware of the fact that he loved Reid, loved him entirely, for being the amazing person he was. And they had come to share a whole new level of intimacy, of trust.

It was considerably little they did that night, in comparison to how they would progress from that point on –but the feeling of holding his lover tightly, his weight pressing him down into the mattress as he kept a firm grip on the slender man´s wrists, knowing that he had complete control and power over the situation, that it was for him to decide what did or didn't happen or how long it would last, this gift which Reid gave him was a better therapy than anything he´d ever tried before.

After that, there had been no turning back.

They had progressed slowly from that point on, Hotch much more hesitant to just give in to his urges than Reid all the way through. It had a taken much more reassurance from Reid until he´d stopped being scared of hurting his lover, of destroying what they´d built. They´d lain in bed many nights, him listening to Reid's voice, quiet but sure as he dissected the psychology of what they were doing and its benefits for him, until he´d come close to believing it.

Now, months later he still sometimes wasn't sure if they weren't going too far, if it wasn't dangerous to push Reid like he did.

Tying him up and leaving him at his mercy was something he´d come to relish in without much afterthought. He simply loved being able to worship his lover´s body, to tease him with his mouth and lips until Reid was writhing in ecstasy under him, needful pleas falling from his lips as he tried to increase their contact. It was simply mind-blowing to see his beautiful lover hovering on the edge, begging for release, all the while knowing that it was him doing this, and him who got to decide when to grant it.

The darker aspects of their lovemaking were a different story though. True, he loved that as well, it made him feel strong and empowered, made him forget every drawback the job confronted him with and Reid swore time after time again that he wasn't really hurting him, that he could take a little roughness, enjoyed it even.

Still, his rational mind could never quite keep from feeling guilty the morning after.

Their dynamic was a complex one, one that he couldn't imagine working without complete trust and devotion –but he knew that outsiders would have a hard time understanding it.´

xxxx

Hotch sighs heavily, his eyes focusing on Reid dozing on one of the hospital chairs next to his bed, his head resting next to his boss leg. He smiles ruefully, fingers carefully combing through his lover´s soft locks.

It´s just awful for Reid to have to go through all this, to be burdened with Morgan's demons on top of Hotch´s and his own. He knows he needs to do something, to shield him from that sorrow in the future, he will have to have a long chat with Morgan.

Hotch sighs again, annoyed this time. For that to happen though, he will have to get out of this hospital bed first. They´ve been stuck here for hours, the doctors unable to decide how serious his concussion is.

If it were up to him, Hotch would have long blown caution in the wind and gone home against their advice but of course it isn't up to him.

Reid has been very convincing when he insisted Hotch should at least stay overnight, abandoning persuasion at some point for the sake of his ultimate weapon, big puppy eyes that no one has ever been able to say no to.

As a result, Hotch is stuck in this stupid gown, left to stare at the bare hospital walls. Since Reid has dozed off he´s spent his time working on his argument for when talking to Morgan but just then his young lover awakens, yawing quietly and rubbing his eyes adorably.

Hotch can't help but smile at him, bad mood dissipating instantly.

"Wasn't sleeping." Reid mumbles, sitting up quickly.

He looks around to see it is already dark outside the window.

"Oh, no. So late already," he frowns and gets up, straightening his clothes, "I'm going to get some of your clothes and then come back alright? I won't be long."

He kisses Hotch goodbye carefully, mindful of his messed up face. Hotch doesn't want him to leave but doesn't want to sound ridiculous asking him to stay for no good reason. So he smiles as Reid waves from the door. "Hurry back."

"You had better still be in that bed when I come back.", he threatens, a smile tugging at his grave expression.

* * *

><p>Reid walks across the empty hospital parking lot with long steps, hurrying towards his car.<p>

He doesn't like to admit he´s still reasonably sacred of the dark, so he tells himself it´s only that he doesn't want to leave Hotch alone for too long.

He can already see the car when a hand on his shoulder causes him to almost jump out of his skin, heart missing a beat as he spins around. His hand automatically goes for his hip, the place his gun would be if he hadn't stupidly left it at the office this afternoon.

Relief is immediate when he looks into the potential UnSub´s face and realizes it´s a familiar one. Morgan is standing in front of him, holding up both hands reassuringly.

Relief quickly turns to annoyance and he frowns, crossing both arms in front of his chest.

"What are you doing here, Morgan?" he asks coolly, hoping that he looks more collected than he feels.

Morgan shrugs. He seems calm now but Reid can't really tell his expression with how little light there is.

"Can we talk?" Morgan asks quietly.

Reid would like to think he sounds sort of guilty but he isn't sure there either.

"What about?" he asks, still carefully withdrawn, keeping his arms crossed and his expression disapproving, "Do you have any more plans to ruin our team dynamics I should know about?"

He knows he´s not being fair, that he should be more sensitive towards Morgan's situation, but the image of Hotch on the ground, struggling for breath makes it hard for him to stay objective.

Morgan frowns at this behavior, and this time Reid is sure he sees regret somewhere in his eyes.

"Reid, man, I´m…" he looks away, conflicted, jaw clenching along with his hands before he takes another calming breath, "look, can we just talk, please?"

Reid almost wants to say no but then Morgan looks at him with an expression that is so desperate and conflicted he can't help but nod, conceding reluctantly. "Fine. Talk, I'm listening."

"Not here." Morgan jerks his head towards his waiting jeep, parked a couple of feet away.

Reid hesitates. He wants to have this talk with Morgan, especially since it might mean Hotch won't have to –but right now he really just wants to get back to his lover as quickly as possible.

Morgan turns around to look at him questioningly when he doesn't follow, face falling visibly. Unwelcome guilt threatens to overcome practicality.

"Actually, Morgan, I'm just on my way to get some clothes for Hotch…maybe we should-"

As expected, Morgan's face crunches up at the mention of Hotch´s name, his body tensing all over. Reid isn't sure if it is anger still or guilt over what he´s done yet.

Morgan bites his lip, staring at the concrete for a moment, then he straightens up again, face not quite as dark.

"´S not a problem. Come on, I´ll drive you and we can talk on the way." he offers.

Reid doesn't hesitate after that, sure now that Morgan is still struggling but has at least come to his senses regarding Hotch and appears like he is trying to make up for his behavior earlier. He starts feeling a little better, less stressed.

"Okay," he agrees and follows Morgan, in his mind already contemplating whether Morgan could come back to the hospital room later on and apologize to Hotch if their talk goes well.

They get in the car and Morgan drives off the parking lot, quiet for a moment as he watches the road, searching for the right way to start maybe.

Reid decides to give him a moment and settles in, feeling a little better about this turn of events. Maybe it really isn't as bad as he thought and tomorrow all will be forgotten.

He goes through his pockets, reaching for his phone while Morgan drives them through the night, to text Hotch about this positive development.

"Who´re you writing?" Morgan asks from the driver´s side, eyes still on the street.

He seems a little tense again but Reid decides he will have to learn to fully accept Hotch as Reid´s lover in all situation so he can help accustom him to it right away.

"Hotch," he answers casually, "Just to tell him I found you. Everyone's been really worried…"

"Oh, ok," Morgan nods: "I should've called Garcia, too. Do you mind?"

He holds out a hand for his phone questioningly and Reid interrupts what he's doing and hands it to him, hating to make Garcia worry unnecessarily. "Sure."

Morgan takes the phone from him, then calmly rolls down the window on his side and throws it away without a word.

Reid gapes at the open window, three long seconds passing before he can believe his eyes.

"Morgan, what-" he gasps, incredulously, trying to make sense of what just happened. Morgan doesn't answer, just keeps driving like nothing happened at all.

"Morgan!" Reid snaps, perplexity turning into irritation, worry slowly surfacing. "What the hell? Turn around, I need to get my phone."

"No, you don't."

The way Morgan seems completely calm and decided in regards to what he´s just done chills Reid to the bone. Suddenly Morgan doesn't seem better at all. His heart starts beating faster, worry threatening to override his anger.

"What do you mean? Of course I…stop the car, I want to get out."

Reid grips the door handle, fumbling with his seatbelt. He suddenly has an ill feeling about this. Whatever is happening, it isn't good. "Morgan, stop the car!"

His heart falls, breath catching in his throat when instead of answering Morgan simply activates the automatic car lock, the clicking sound terribly final in his ears.

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><p><strong>Uh oh, someone´s in trouble ;-) <strong>

**BTW I know there are some inconsistencies with the canon timeline, that is entirely my fault, please try to overlook it.**

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys, sorry this took a while. Someone said that Morgan would be fired for what he did, and yeah, theyre right, of course there would be repercussions. But they cant really tell him that till he comes back to work, right? ;-) **

**This is kinda short because I dont really know how to proceed yet. I dont want Morgan to be a bad guy, but i kinda have a knack for angst and hurt, too and he _is_ traumatized. I think he should tell Reid how he feels, I just dont know how well that will go...**

**Long story short: if you have any suggestions feel free to offer them :-)**

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><p>l<p>

Hotch feels himself getting more restless by the minute.

It has been too long since Spencer has left and he is getting anxious despite himself. Sure, he knows he shouldn't be worried about this lover, that he can take care of himself, plus, he doesn't want to go so far as to worry that Morgan might hurt Spencer as well.

No, Morgan attacked him because he was worried about his best friend –he wouldn't lash out against _him_. But then, Spencer's behavior earlier might have made him mad…

He shakes his head, trying not to think the worst.

It´s bad enough that Morgan lost it and attacked him in front of everybody. Once he shows up again, they will have to have a serious conversation about the repercussions of that but right now all Hotch wants is to rest. The problem is he can´t do that as long as Spencer is gone.

Giving up, he reaches for his phone, dialing his house number. It seems unlikely but maybe Spencer has fallen asleep at the house, or gotten distracted otherwise. He waits, listening to the dialing tone but no one picks up on the other end of the line.

He frowns, hanging up and dialing Reid's cell phone number right afterwards.

He doesn't care if Spencer will laugh at him, as shaken up as he is he really wants to hear his lovers voice to at least be reassured that the younger man was fine. He waits for a long time but no one answers, the dialing tone sounding like it is mocking him.

Hotch's fingers clench around the phone.

Something is off. Spencer wouldn't ignore his call, especially not right now.

Making a split decision he dials again, calling JJ.

* * *

><p>Reid is sure that he has stared at Morgan for what must be half a minute in utter disbelief.<p>

The older agent is driving through the night like he hasn't just practically kidnapped his coworker from a hospital parking lot after making sure he can't call anyone.

He feels his stomach turn, devastated as he begins to realize how much he has underestimated the extent of Morgan's trauma. This isn't the man he knows, Morgan would never act this irrationally, never scare him like this on purpose, blandly ignoring his protests. But then…the man he knows wouldn't have attacked Hotch either.

Reid's fingers clench around his seat belt, his ill feeling morphing into one of anger. He can understand that Morgan is struggling but that doesn't justify what he is doing.

"Morgan, this isn't funny!" he protests again, with more fervor this time, "Stop the car, I want to get out!"

He feels his fury rising when Morgan merely shakes his head, eerily calm as he replies, "Just chill, Reid. You will be alright, I promise."

"I am alright!" Reid snaps, losing more of his calm by the second, "Or I was until this morning. Look, if you need a friend to talk to, I'm there for you. I meant that, but I won't let you drag me away in the middle of the night and treat me like this!"

Deciding he´s had enough, Reid fumbles with his seat belt, discarding it before reaching out to unlock the doors himself. He knows he can't very well jump out of a driving car but somewhere in the back of his mind he still holds out hope that Morgan will come to his senses and stop once he realizes he is serious.

He hasn't even touched the button when Morgan's hand shoots out, wrapping tightly around his thin wrist. Shocked and angry, Reid tries to jerk away but Morgan´s grip is unrelenting, on the verge of painful. Reid winces, gritting his teeth to keep from making sound.

Morgan glances over at him, regret flashing over his face briefly before he pushes Reid´s arm down warningly. After a moment lets go, not without a warning look not to move again. Reid wraps a shaking hand around his aching wrist, eyes full of betrayal and hurt as he stares at Morgan.

"I'm not stopping, Reid." Morgan shakes his head, clearly determined not to let his conscience interfere with his plan. "We're going to have a long talk and I won't have anyone interrupting that, not even Hotch!"

Reid has to fight hard to keep from screaming. He just can't believe this is actually happening, that Morgan would go this far…how much farther he might go if Reid pushes him? He can't really think he could keep him from Hotch against his will, can he? What is he thinking?

"Have you lost your mind, Morgan?" he demands hotly, his voice close to cracking, "You can't just decide what to do for me!"

"I will because I have to." Morgan says stoically, ignoring his condition.

Reid isn't sure what he may have done next, and if it wouldn't be more than just screaming at Morgan –but in that moment they are interrupted by the sound of a cell phone ringing.

Reid feels his heart skipping at the sound. With his own phone lost somewhere on the side of the road he knows that it can only be Morgan's. The older agent takes it out of his jacket pocket with a frown and Reid can make out the caller ID.

JJ.

He suddenly feels breathless, knowing that if JJ knew what was happening she would surely call Hotch.

He waits for Morgan to pick up but he merely shakes his head silently, about to just let the call go unanswered. Seeing his only chance of getting out of this slipping through his fingers, Reid acts on instinct. He lunges for the phone, ripping it out of Morgan's hand and taking the call.

Immediately, Morgan's hand shoots out again, trying to wrestle the phone from him but Reid fights him off, hitting at him as Morgan grabs his arm, wrenching it painfully. The car swivels, coming dangerously close to the side of the road as they wrestle for the phone.

Reid can't believe he is fighting Derek Morgan for the only means to get out of a scary situation, his heart racing like he has just been abducted by an UnSub. He knows that he is no match for Morgan physically, but then, he shouldn't have to be. Morgan is supposed to be on his side after all…

How has it come to this? How can Morgan just throw away all the trust they´ve built over the years? He yanks his arm back hard, briefly getting hold of the phone. For now, he has to stop this somehow.

"JJ!" he gasps, hoping she will hear him, "JJ, we are—"

That´s as far as he gets, because in that moment the car partially comes off the road, the whole frame shaking as two wheels make contact with the gravel and uneven ground of the low shoulder.

Morgan steps on the brake hastily, ripping the wheel around forcefully to bring them back on the road. He succeeds after a few seconds of fear, bringing the car to an abrupt stop without thinking about the fact that Reid isn't wearing a seat belt.

Before he can do anything, Reid's body is being thrown forward, his head impacting hard with the windshield. He´s out within seconds, his eyes rolling back in his head with a strained groan.

"Reid? Shit!" Morgan quickly turns off the phone and gets out of the car, running around to the other side and opening the passenger door.

As careful as possible, he pulls Reid back, resting him back against the seat. Reid's head falls back limply and Morgan takes in a sharp breath when he sees his pained expression and the red bump on his forehead.

"Oh no, come on, pretty boy, wake up," he murmurs, honestly scared for a moment when Reid doesn't react.

He hastily checks his young colleague's vitals, relieved to find Reid´s pulse steady and his breathing shallow but regularly. His anger is gone instantly, replaced by worry and a certain amount of guilt. The last thing he wanted was for Reid to get hurt.

Luckily though, he seems alright despite everything, merely dazed for the moment. After a moment, Morgan decides to take a chance and not go to the hospital, knowing that what he needs to do was far more important. Reid will be fine, he will make sure of it.

With a deep sigh he reachs around his friend to buckle him in again. Then he quickly gets back into the car, driving off into the night.

* * *

><p>Hotch lets out a sigh of relief when JJ finally answers the phone, about to ask her for information when JJ interrupts him, sounding stressed. "Hotch, has Reid called you?"<p>

"No, why?" Hotch asks, now really alarmed by her tone.

"I think he might be in trouble."

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><p>l<p>

**Please dont forget to review, guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **

**I'm really glad people seem to be enjoying this story, I know it's not the usual plot what with Morgan kind of turning into the UnSub. I got some feedback complaining about that so I figured I'd start this off with a WARNING: **

**While I try to keep the characters **_**in character**_** as much as possible, this obviously deviates a bit from how Morgan would normally act. I'm not trying to stigmatize him, I'm just writing a scenario which I think may have happened under certain circumstances. His downward spiral will likely get worse with upcoming chapters. I understand if you don't like that, and luckily there are more than enough stories about Morgan to choose the kind you like. Thank you.**

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><p><strong>l<strong>

Morgan´s living room is quiet except for an old CD he´s put on, the sound soft and sad. The dim lightning is only disrupted by the periodical flashing of his cell phone screen, telling him that someone is trying to call. It´s surprisingly easy to ignore.

Morgan stares at the muted phone from where he is sitting in his arm chair, the only movement that of bringing his drink back to his lips. The alcohol has yet to affect him in the way he wishes, finally numbing, drowning out the noises inside his head, hammering against his skull like a jackhammer.

For now it's just making him more depressed and on edge.

His eyes wander to the couch opposite of him.

Reid is still unconscious, his still form draped over the cushions in a way that makes Morgan feel breathless and queasy at the same time. He tries not to feel too guilty. The bump on his forehead seems to be the worst of his injuries; Morgan has made sure nothing´s broken.

He shifts uneasily in his seat; he wants for Reid to finally wake up almost as much as he dreads it. To think that Reid has gotten hurt and that it is kind of his fault is gnawing at him, tearing at his heart…but it is Reid's own fault, too, for freaking out unnecessarily and crashing them like he did.

And all that just because of Hotch…

Morgan takes another generous gulp of his liquor, trying to drown the contempt rising inside him when he thinks of his unit chief.

He can see the marks his hands have left on Reid's skin even from where he is sitting…how could something like that have happened right under his nose?

Damn, he knew that Reid is susceptible because of his issues, that he may have fallen easily for Hotch´s lies in the beginning…but even he wouldn't have endured open abuse silently, would he?

Unbidden mental images flood his mind, of Reid, so frighteningly slight in comparison to the other men on the team, of Hotch taking advantage of that to subdue his subordinate, tying him up so he can't fight back…

Morgan shakes his head in repulsion, squeezing his eyes shut tightly to get rid of the mental image. Apart from destroying his faith in humanity, he really doesn't need those pictures to get stuck in his brain; they're even more disturbing than the stuff that is already there.

Because, if he´s honest he's not much better himself. He wants the same thing as Hotch after all.

Another gulp for his nerves. He doesn't know how long he has had romantic feelings for Reid, or when he´s stopped seeing him as only a friend and confident but as desirable. God knows, he has done his best to suppress those thoughts until now, partially because he wasn't sure he would even be emotionally ready for a relationship with a man and partially because he has been afraid of losing Reid if he were to ever find out.

He was always so sure that the shy, young genius simply didn't have a girlfriend because of his awkwardness and self-conscience – but now…

Reid told him he was gay just this morning.

His heart clenches at the idea that he may have missed out on a shot at true happiness all these years by not even trying to approach Reid.

But then, even that admission might have been just another excuse to distract from Morgan from Hotch and what is really going on.

No, he can´t believe Reid and Hotch have a real relationship. If Hotch cared anything about Reid he wouldn't hurt him, no matter how great his passion, right? Right?

Unable to stop himself he remembers all those times he has spent fantasizing about simply walking up to Reid and pushing him against a wall, kissing him until he´s breathless. All those times he´s lain in cold hotel rooms, acutely aware of Reid sleeping just a few feet away, of how easy it would be to walk over to his bed and pull the blankets aside, draping himself over the other man´s lithe body, kissing and touching that soft hair and skin until Reid would squirm with pleasure underneath him.

He shudders at those memories. The mere idea of it excites and yet terrifies him.

He knows it was right not to act on those urges. How could he have risked that Reid might be made to feel like he was a good fifteen years ago?

But now? Has anything changed?

He still feels all these things, feels the slow burn caused by just seeing Reid stretched out on his couch, tousled hair and bare stomach were his shirt has ridden up. But thinking what he might have gone through in the past weeks scares him even more than before.

There simply is no way around it.

He has to ask Reid what exactly is going on, whether he wants to tell him or not. Tonight, while there is no one else to influence him might be his only chance. He will have to dig into the wound in order to clean it.

Then, once Reid is thinking clearly again they can go to the hospital to have them collect evidence and make sure Hotch never gets another foot on the ground.

He holds his breath as Reid finally moves, eyelids fluttering as he slowly comes back into conscience.

This is it. Now or never.

* * *

><p>Reid groans in pain, hand flying to his temple the second he regains consciousness. His head hurts like someone has hit him with a baseball bat.<p>

What-?

He blinks, slowly becoming aware that he doesn't recognize his surroundings. It´s dark, all he can hear soft jazz music somewhere in the background.

His heart leaps in his chest as he flashes back to the last time he´s woken up in an unknown place. Hankel.

Involuntary panic flares up in him and he quickly pushes himself up into a sitting position, scanning his surroundings for an immediate dangers.

Fear turns to momentary confusion when his eyes fall on Morgan, sitting across from him in the dark room, drinking what looks like bourbon, maybe wallowing in the music. His expression is somewhere between torn and grave and he suddenly remembers the last time he´s seen Morgan look that way.

After that, it all comes back to him pretty quickly.

Their fight, Hotch injured, Morgan throwing his phone out of a driving car he didn't want to be in.

_Oh, dear God, no._

He tenses, suddenly feeling ill. Even if he was there, he still can't believe that Morgan practically…he is reluctant to even think the word, _abducted_ him.

He looks around Morgan's living room, trying to figure out how much time has passed. Aaron must be worried by now. He has to get back to the hospital.

Reid takes a deep breath, trying to calm down instead of freaking himself out. He's just overreacting, Morgan just wanted to talk to him, and when he hit his head he had no choice but to bring him here. That's all.

He can just leave if he wants to and all this will be over before he knows it.

He remains still for a long moment, trying to make out where they stand now from Morgan's expression, trying to anticipate his reaction.

Morgan is just sitting there, drinking and staring at him with an unreadable expression. It´s impossible to tell if he is drunk, just melancholic, or angry.

For a moment neither man moves, Reid merely staring at Morgan, desperate to find anything familiar in his face while the music fills the uncomfortable silence.

_´I scare myself just thinking about you´_, the singer is just announcing, making Reid shiver, ´_I scare myself when I let my thoughts run, I scare myself, to think what I could do.`_

How fitting.

He takes a deep breath, blocking everything out as best as he can.

He needs to leave.

But if he tries to, will Morgan even let him?

He feels ill and sort of guilty at the thought, shifting uneasily. Morgan puts his glass down on the table between them, looking sort of put off by Reid's behavior.

"How's your head?" he asks quietly, sounding concerned enough. Reid can't help but glare at him, preferring annoyance over fear.

"My memory is still intact I'm afraid." he replies in a clipped tone.

Morgan sighs when he realizes Reid hasn't gotten any more cooperative, pushing to his feet. He turns the music off before walking over to the couch and sitting on the glass table, his legs to both sides of Reid´s.

"It's time we have a serious talk, Reid."

Reid swallows hard, forcing himself not to back up even if he feels uncomfortable with their sudden closeness, to remain seated. He doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in Morgan's presence. And yet there's just something disturbing about the situation, something off about Morgan's eyes that likely has to do with the way he reeks of liquor.

"We already did. I don't want to talk anymore. I want to leave." he says stoically, hoping that he at least sounds sure of himself.

The urge to have a tête-à-tête with Morgan has naturally completely vanished by now. He just wants this situation to stop and for someone, anyone to fix it so it will be back to normal the next time they meet.

He makes to get up, but doesn't even have time to fully straighten up before Morgan's hands are around his wrists, pulling him back down. There's just enough strength behind it to let Reid know he won't be going anywhere if Morgan doesn't want him to, grip tightening when he tries to pull away, holding him in place.

"Once we´ve talked, Reid."

There is no room for discussion in those words, making Reid´s blood grow cold with apprehension and hot with betrayal and anger at the same time. He has to force himself to not give a heated reply, telling Morgan exactly what he thinks of his behavior. Considering that he didn't get far with anger in the car though, he realizes that he needs to try a different approach, as hard as it is.

With considerable effort, he suppresses the urge to struggle and stops moving, hoping that his voice sounds calm instead of insecure, "Morgan, let me go. I don´t know what you want from me, but frankly, you're starting to scare me. You can't do this."

Morgan frowns at his behavior, but doesn't move, determined. After a moment his expression softens a little and so does his grip, until he´s holding both of Reid´s hands in his.

"I didn't do this to scare you." he sighs, looking troubled, "It's just…I care about you…more than you seem to realize. And thinking that someone is hurting you in that way and you're letting him…it just tears me apart."

This sudden confession is so unexpected after all of Morgan's tantrums that it throws Reid completely off track for a moment. As much as he tries he can't keep glaring at his colleague after he's said that, can't stay cold. Of course Morgan is doing this because he's worried about his friend, he knows that, but the way he is doing it is just wrong.

"Morgan, I'm okay, alright?" he assures him quietly, sighing, "I promise, I'm fine. Aaron loves me and he takes good care of me."

He gasps when the grip around his hands suddenly tightens, Morgan's large hands squeezing his almost painfully. And there it is again, that burning behind his black eyes replacing sadness, the very thing that scared him in the first place.

"Don't. Keep saying that. I saw, remember?" Morgan presses out from behind clenched teeth, sounding like he is barely containing his anger.

He stares down at Reid's wrist bared between them, looking troubled again, and the sudden changes in temper are now seriously starting to scare the younger man. He wonders how much Morgan has had to drink.

Morgan looks at him sharply, "This is screaming abuse, Reid."

At this point, Reid has long left anger as a possible reaction behind, instead torn between worry for Morgan's mental state and worry for himself. Retreat isn't working, rightful indignation isn't working, reason isn't working – he's running out of options here and he knows it.

The only thing Morgan will be satisfied with hearing is if Reid blames Hotch for everything. But he can't do that. He won't, under no circumstances.

The only thing he has left to try is brutal honesty, shifting the blame from Hotch by explaining his less than passive role in what they do.

He swallows hard as he tries to gather his courage. Even now there is this irrational fear of Morgan despising him if he finds out, keeping him from speaking up right away.

"Morgan, I…I don´t know how to tell you this," he starts off hesitantly, telling himself it has to be done, "I know this won't be easy to hear for you, that's why I didn't tell you before…Hotch isn't doing anything I don't want him to."

He feels Morgan´s irritated, confused look on him, feels his cheeks burning in embarrassment already. He can't belie he´s going to talk about this, and to Morgan of all people.

But what choice does he have? Maybe if Morgan gets mad at him upon realizing he's not a victim at all, he will finally kick him out.

"What?" Morgan asks tonelessly, clearly confused.

And Reid can't look at him, stares down at the carpet instead, "I…sometimes I just need him to be…um, assertive."

There is stunned silence, then…

"Assertive?" Morgan repeats, a quick peek showing Reid that he's looking at him like he's lost his mind. Either he doesn't believe him or he doesn't want to understand.

"What he does…it's not really him," Reid tries again, trying to explain it in a way that won´t sound too disturbing, "it's just this…scenario we play out sometimes to relieve stress. You know, he gets to feel in control and I get to be free of it for a while. This," he points to the marks on his arms, "is just collateral damage. It doesn't bother me…In a way it even shows me how much he loves me…

He breaks off his fishy explanation the second he dares to look up into Morgan's face again, immediately realizing he´s made a mistake. The other man looks livid, jaw clenched and eyes blazing as he stares at him.

Morgan believes him alright. He just doesn't like what he's hearing.

"Are you telling me…you want him to hurt you?" he presses out from behind clenched teeth, his grip on Reid´s arms suddenly so tight that he thinks he hears the bones grating.

l

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><p><strong>Not much of a development I know, I'm kinda stalling because I'm nervous about writing the next chapter, I guess. <strong>

**Morgan is so mad right now, I doubt it was a good idea to tell him the truth…**

**Anyway, the song is by Bill Hicks, called **_**I scare myself**_** and the lyrics apply to Morgan in case you were confused. It fits the situation really well, I think.**

**Ok, so I understand if you don't want to keep reading this, but if you do then please leave me a comment, I could need some cheering up right now. Thanks!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry this took so long. I had my finals and the flu and a funeral to get through last week. Plus, my parents decided to get a divorce and sell our house. So sorry if that reflects on the quality of the work, I didnt want to leave you hanging much longer but I realyl didnt have the nerve to go over it more than once.**

**Thanks for all your lovely reviews though, I was really happy about those. Please keep it up. **

**Oh, and I opened a poll on my page a while ago for some new stories I might write after this one. Please have a look and vote if you find the time. Thank you!**

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><p><strong>l<strong>

Reid takes in a sharp breath, feeling cold dread rising inside him as he stares up at Morgan whose grip around his wrists has tightened painfully, his expression slipping.

Trying as he certainly is, he still can't get his brain to catch up to how the evening has turned out, to how he´s ended up trapped in his best friend´s living room, feeling like his heart will leap out of his chest at any second.

_*Step one you say we need to talk  
>He walks, you say sit down it's just a talk*<br>_

How in the world did this happen? Even back at the office, Morgan just wanted to talk, to help, and Reid has tried to do just that –and yet somehow things seem to be escalating at a frightening rate.

Now everything is suddenly falling apart. Now Morgan is looking at him like he doesn't even recognize him.

"Are you saying you _want_ him to hurt you?" Morgan asks incredulously, like he is hoping he´s heard it wrong the first time around, "Are you _kidding_ me?"

His eyes flash with so much barely contained anger and hurt that Reid immediately knows he shouldn´t have said anything. Of course he was bound to take that the wrong way, make it sound awful.

_So stupid._ What was he thinking even opening his mouth?

Morgan will never understand what he is trying to say, not even if he tried. All he might accomplish here is to maybe make him hate both him and Aaron equally for living his nightmare peacefully.

He is seriously beginning to wonder if there even was any helping this to begin with, if he should have tried in the first place. Because so far he has only succeeded in hurting all of them even more.

_*Between the lines of fear and blame  
>You begin to wonder why you came*<em>

When he doesn't answer the question immediately, Morgan's grip grows even tighter, tension palpable in the room.

"No, I mean…" Reid backpedals hastily, trying not to wince at the pain shooting through his hands, "That's not what I meant, I – I…I knew you wouldn't understand, not with everything that´s happened to you—"

It´s meant to alleviate some of the tension between them, to get Morgan to back off but it is obviously the wrong thing to say, the mention of Buford and the past causing Morgan's face to shadow up even worse.

"Don't make this about me, Reid!" the older agent cuts him off angrily, "Of course I don't understand. I realize that there are people like Buford out there still who prey on the weak, but what I don't understand is why you would still try to cover for Hotch, protect him even now! And with a lie like that of all things!"

Morgan shakes his head harshly, somewhere between disappointed and appalled. He looks like he wants to jump to his feet and shout and Reid is internally surprised he hasn't yet, considering what they are arguing about.

He swallows hard, wringing his hands nervously as much as he can. Just a moment ago, he was sure that Morgan is this angry because of the content of his confession, but clearly deep down Morgan simply hasn't accepted the information that Reid is an active and willing participant in his relationship, and is now simply mad at him for _lying_.

His suspicions are proven when Morgan takes a deep breath, visibly forcing himself to stay calm as he fixates Reid intently, fingers flexing around his wrist agitatedly, "Just cut the crap, Reid. Stop lying to me. I know you are! Why can't you just admit you need help to get out –I´ve been through this, I can help you."

_*Let him know that you know best  
>Cause after all you do know best<br>Try to slip past his defense  
>Without granting innocence*<br>_

His friend looks so hopeful that Reid almost catches himself chickening out and just conceding to what he wants to hear simply to get out of the situation.

But even now that Morgan is so clearly stricken and barely in control of his emotions, even with how he´s treated him tonight and how he´s severed the trust Reid has learned to put in him ever so slowly over the years, knowing that if he keeps trying to convince Morgan he might just snap –even knowing all that, Reid is still not willing to lie.

As uncomfortable as it is: He can't just run now. Someone will have to fix this eventually and he has a feeling it will have to be him anyway. He doesn't know how to though, without either giving up on telling he truth or giving up on hoping for Morgan's understanding.

He blinks his burning eyes, exasperated, "Morgan, I wasn't trying to hide anything-"

"But you did!" Morgan snaps agitatedly, interrupting him once again, "You kept it all a secret! You hid the marks! Why would you do that, why, if not because he forced you to?"

_*Lay down a list of what is wrong  
>The things you've told him all along<br>And pray to God he hears you*  
><em>

Reid stares at him wordlessly for a long time, pained by the words as much as by the desperate expression on Morgan's face.

He knows he has made mistakes in handling this, just as he knows that if he wants to get somewhere he can't gets just as upset as Morgan already is, even if what he is accusing Aaron of again makes his blood boil. There is no use in the two of them yelling at each other all night. He runs an unsteady hand through his hair, more shaken by this exchange that he would like to admit; by now he feels like screaming at Morgan but knows he shouldn't.

"There were regulations," he tries to explain it logically, "and I was scared—"

"Of him!"

"NO!" as much as he tries to, he suddenly can't keep his calm any longer, not when his loved one is attacked like this.

He jumps up, catching Morgan by surprise as he yanks his arms free, forgetting himself in his anger for just a second too long as he yells, "No! Stop saying that already! I'm more scared of you right now than I will ever be of Aaron, alright?"

Reid knows it was a mistake to say that the second it slips from his mouth, half regrets it already when he sees Morgan's eyes widen –but he can't find it in him to take it back because it also happens to be true.

Instead he spins around, crossing the room with large steps as he follows the growing instinct to get away from Morgan and his vile thoughts and accusations. His hand is already on the door knob when his other arm is grabbed and Morgan yanks him around to face him, a storm brewing in his eyes.

Reid doesn't even flinch anymore, used to the ill feeling in his stomach right now and not at all surprised that Morgan still won´t let him go. Instead he glares up at him viciously, hoping that Morgan gets a good look at all the pain and misery he's causing him through this.

"If you must know, Morgan, I was scared. Scared of everybody's reaction to finding out about my sexuality, scared of losing my job, my friends." he snaps, unable to hide his agitation now, "And I was right! Look at you! You can't even accept the thought of me being with a man, much less believe me when I tell you I'm happy. I was right not to tell you!"

Reid takes a shaky breath after that. He knows he has a right to be mad with everything that's happened, but even now that he yells at Morgan it doesn't help much. Even as he tries to focus on his anger, he can't help but feel the nagging insecurities and self doubts settling as a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach, the thought of being left by the people he cares about leaving him feeling sick all over again.

He´s pretty sure the others would be fine with it if they knew, but whether he likes it or not, Morgan is like an older brother to him. His opinion has always mattered most, his affection has mattered most.

And now he´s looking at him in a way that almost breaks his heart on the spot. Suddenly he feels like running and crying more than ever, tries to make Morgan let go again almost frantically just to get away from him.

But of course Morgan doesn't let go, he just stares down at him with that strange and hard expression on his face that makes Reid feel like all that they had is slipping though his fingers in those very seconds. He's definitely losing something here, he's just not sure yet what it is…

It seems like the anger and indignation in those dark, familiar eyes are slowly freezing over with realization, leaving them dead and devoid of any sort of warmth.

"You really mean that, don't you?" Morgan finally says tonelessly, inching closer until Reid finds himself with his back to the door, "You really believe I'm the bad guy here."

Reid opens his mouth to protest but Morgan won´t let him get a word in, face crunched up in hurt and anger, voice growing louder, "You really don't want to get away from him, do you? I- fuck, I don´t believe this! All this time, I've been worried sick about you and you…you're not scared of him, you get off on him hurting you! God, how sick is that, wanting someone to treat you like that? What is wrong with you!"

A look of revulsion covers his features and Reid can't help but flinch in shock at the words spit in his face, shocking him into silence.

For a whole ten seconds he just stands there frozen staring at Morgan, unwilling to believe the words he just said. He tries not to let them hurt him, not to resent Morgan for saying them, but it´s getting harder by the second.

Never ever would he have expected them to end up like this, with this void between them, growing with every hurtful thing they throw at into each other's faces. It's like an invisible barrier has been breached, the last one still intact with Morgan calling him sick.

Suddenly the need to help a friend is entirely fogged by the desire to turn away and never have to look into the other man face again.

He can't take it anymore, he just needs to get out.

Tears clouding his vision he makes to turn away and finally get out of here, but Morgan drags him back with a grip as hard as his stare.

"Get your hands off me, Morgan!" he finds himself hissing before he can stop himself, voice cracking already as he claws at Morgan's fingers, "You don´t understand, you obviously can't stand to look at me anymore, fine, so I'll do you the favor and get out of your life! Let go of me!"

"No!" Morgan shakes his head harshly, jaw set tightly as he ignores his distress, "Not until you've told me why!"

He doesn't want to answer, doesn't even want to grace Morgan with a reply anymore the way he's acting, but by now he too is so furious that he can't help but yell back.

"It's not about pain, Morgan, it's about love!"

Reid gasps when instead of a reply he suddenly finds himself shoved back hard, his back colliding with the door painfully. Morgan's eyes are blazing, way too close as he hovers over him, cornering him in his rage. He can smell the alcohol on his breath. Can practically taste the aggression born out of desperation.

"Are you listening to yourself, Reid? That's not love! It´s si-"

"Now where do you get off telling me what love is!" Reid cuts him off, his stomach turning at the prospect of hearing the word sick again. His fury and pain are slowly mixing with apprehension at the way Morgan is becoming more and more physically aggressive, but he still can't make himself stop from getting into Morgan's face, venting his own aggression, "Like you've got a perfect record!"

He realizes it wasn't a good idea to say that when Morgan grabs both of his arms, shoving him back again. It hurts worse this time, knocking the air out of him and sending a jolt of fear through him but Morgan keeps him pinned without blinking, too caught up in his emotions to care.

"You're right, I don't!" he growls from behind gritted teeth, sudden, unexpected emotion mixing with the rage in his dark eyes, "And do you wanna know why?"

Reid fully expects another flood of accusations, but instead Morgan takes a deep breath, and his eyes clear up slightly, gaining in depth again, leaving Reid dazed and confused. He really wasn't expecting this turn of action, doesn't really expect an honest answer at this point. Not after Morgan refused to talk about himself for so long.

But Morgan answers anyway, "Because I'm too scared to go near someone, out of fear to get hurt again, or to hurt them like I was hurt!"

Pain flashes across his features as he says this, the sudden change enough to distract Reid from fighting him effectively. Something has changed again, and Reid gets the feeling they are not really talking about him anymore here.

"Do you know how it feels to find yourself turning into what you despise most, to feel and desire things that you know are wrong, that would cause nothing but more pain and misery if you acted upon them?"

_*As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice*_

Reid feels himself staring at the other, at a loss of words, unable to do anything about it. Morgan's words have effectively made his anger evaporate, replacing it with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as realization dawns on him.

He bites his lip, suddenly feeling dizzy. Far too young, too vulnerable.

Morgan isn't that much older than him, except his eyes are somehow, old and brittle under all that hard concrete built around them. Right now they look so old that he thinks Morgan might crumble right in front of him.

The sudden silence between them stand in stark contrast to all the noise they made just a minute ago, and when Reid finds his voice again, small and unsure, it still sounds too loud as it crosses they distance between them.

"What are you talking about, Morgan?"

He doesn't get a verbal answer, doesn't need one anyway, because it's all there, plain in Morgan's face. The fear, the guilt, the shame.

Reid feels his heart dropping into his stomach as realization fully hits him, and he would have slapped a hand over his mouth if it weren't for Morgan's vice-like grip on his arms.

He feels tears well up in the corners of his eyes again, but this time they're not just for him, they're for the boy he can see inside his colleague, buried deeply and holding him together by his scars. Only now does he realize how tragic Derek Morgan's life really is, how deep his pain and anger really go.

"Oh…" he doesn't think he can speak and Morgan doesn't look like he wants him too anyways.

His eyes are wet as well, his broad frame shaking as he holds on to Reid. Again, it makes him want to fix what can't be fixed, makes him forget all the built up anger that's still present throughout all of this,

"But… Morgan, that doesn't make you like him, you're a good man—"

Morgan shakes his head harshly, interrupting him. He looks close to breaking down now, though no less upset, reminding Reid that they are technically still fighting, that Morgan is mad at him and that that isn't a good combination at all.

He just can't really focus on his anger with the horrid images flashing through his mind right now. Morgan can though, apparently.

"And if I'm so good," he all but mocks Reid´s feeble attempt at helping, "why did you not choose me?"

His face crunches up in hurt, cheeks wet, seemingly unaware of Reid´s shocked intake of breath as he keeps talking, "I could have made you happy, I would have treated you well— All these years I've been telling myself that you are so innocent, so fragile, that you couldn't handle it, that I had to bury what I felt. I have been lying awake at night, hating myself…all for nothing."

He laughs mirthlessly, fingers flexing around Reid´s arms and the younger man barely has time to register what he´s saying, what it reveals – one second he is staring up at him with disbelieving eyes, the next Morgan's head is swooping down and he is crushing their lips together, hard and desperate.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for the cliffie, like i said, i dont have much time right now. <strong>

**the song is by The Fray "how to save a life"**

**Please dont forget to take the poll and review !**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks everybody for reviewing and for your kinds words. This is the last chapter, but there will be an epilogue. I dont know when I will get around to writing that since I wont have my laptop until mid august starting wednesday. I might just make it though.**

**This isnt a story with a happy ending and it´s really not very kind to Morgan. I would just ask that you read the chapter properly before you cuss me out. Thank you.**

**The song is called Fine again by Seether.**

* * *

><p><strong>l<strong>

_*It seems like every day's the same  
>and I'm left to discover on my own.<br>They say it's over and I'm fine again,  
>Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here<em>

_And I am aware now of how_  
><em>everything's gonna be fine one day<em>  
><em>Too late, I'm in hell*<em>

l

It´s just too much.

Much too much and yet much too little.

Before he knows what he is doing, Morgan has pulled Reid to him, pressing their mouths together hard and desperate.

He simply can't listen to Reid talk anymore, and he can´t listen to himself think anymore. He just needs for this pain to stop -but it seems that no matter what he does, even as he tries to numb it with alcohol and pretty lies, it just grows, eating at his insides like live fire.

He presses his eyes shut, focusing on nothing but the taste of Reid´s lips, the feel of his warm skin underneath his fingertips. It feels incredible and horrifying at the same time in its familiarity, causing him to break out in sweat, his hands trembling as he holds on to Reid´s face tightly.

He has never kissed another man before.

He has never wanted to kiss another man until Reid. Until Reid came along with his gentle eyes and fluttering hands, drawing him in maybe because he was so entirely non threatening, or maybe because he knew he would never act upon his longing.

Never did he plan to actually do something like this, especially not the way he is doing it now, but all this talk of Hotch and Buford and love and pain is pulling the rug out from under his feet, making it impossible to stay calm.

Anger is still coursing through him, sustaining him, but he tries to calm down, to hold on tightly to the idea that he can still fix all this. He can fix himself and he can fix Reid in one go.

Exactly. If he can't stop feeling this way then his best shot at salvation is someone like Reid, pure and good and innocent. Reid wouldn't hurt him. He is the one thing that he is still holding out for, holding on to.

It can work. He just has to forget everything Reid said about Hotch, or much better make Reid forget about Hotch, about all the darkness he came from. Together they can both stand in the light again.

Almost, almost does the pain lurking underneath subside then, almost, until Reid tenses against him, pulling away. Delicate hands come up to push at Morgan's chest and face, rushed words falling from his lips.

"No, Morgan…stop," he looks up at Morgan with nothing less than honest pain in his eyes as he shakes his head, tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry. I can't…I can't be that person for you."

Morgan all but cringes at those words. He didn't think he could hurt any more that he already is. Apparently rejection does the trick though.

More pain, along with open regret reflected in Reid´s large hazel eyes when he sees Morgan's devastation taking form at his words. Long, slender fingers grasp at his shoulders, comforting as well as in need of the same.

Reid bites his lip when Morgan's grip around his arms tightens, both of them barely keeping in control. Shaking his head almost desperately, Morgan leans in again, only to have Reid recoil instantly this time, hands coming up to keep them at a distance.

"I'm sorry," he repeats quietly, voice cracking, "I want to be your friend, I want to help you…But I love Aaron. It´s always going to be Aaron."

He looks up at Morgan almost apologetically, willing him to understand.

Morgan presses his eyes shut tightly as an iron fist closes around his heart, pressing the air out of his lungs. He can´t believe this is happening. Can't believe Reid would push him away like that. Doesn't he realize what that will do to him, how deep he will fall with nothing left to hold on to?

He feels another unwelcome flash of resentment coursing through his veins, eating away at his reason. How can he be standing there, talking about being his friend while at the same time letting him down, turning away from him in every way possible only to go back to a man like Hotch?

"Why?" he finds himself snarling, ignoring the way Reid flinches at this sudden change in tone.

He pulls back, letting his anger push away the agony. It´s disturbing even to him how easily his temper has changed, how he has seen Reid as something akin to an angel just seconds ago when he is now easily the sole target of his rage.

"What does it even matter who you're with?" he bites out hurtfully, "You're obviously not out for love. You're just looking for someone to take control from you, to have their way with you! What the hell do you need Hotch for?"

The words come out of nowhere and he ends up yelling once more by the end of them, suddenly just as angry as he was just five minutes ago. He pushs Reid against the wall again roughly, getting a strange sense of satisfaction out of the way the younger man whimpers in pain, tensing in his grip.

Why should he be the only one hurting?

If Reid wants to be treated like shit, if he thinks that is a desirable option, well then Morgan will bloody well make sure he gets a lesson he´ll never forget. Be it with words or actions.

Without thinking any further he grabs Reid´s hair, pulling at it forcefully until they are facing each other. Reid´s eyes flash with pain and something akin to fear as he claws at his arms, hissing at him to let go. Morgan ignores him.

"You think it's fun being used and abused, helpless to stop him from whatever it is he's doing to you? That what you want?" he snaps, right in Reid´s face, "IS IT!"

Reid cringes as Morgan yells to his face, forcing him to keep eye contact. He looks truly scared now. Good, Morgan thinks grimly, at least he is bringing his point across. It doesn't make him any less furious.

He moves in closer, practically crushing Reid against the wall. With ease, he grabs the bony arm trying to push him off by the wrist, slamming it against the wall next to Reid´s head. Reid's breath hitches, truly panicked now.

"Morgan, no," he gasps, chest heaving frantically as he squirms against the bigger man, "I never…ah, let go, you're hurting me!"

It´s obvious he is telling the truth but Morgan finds he can't just stop. He has to finish this, one way or the other. Reid didn't want a happy ending - now he´s getting all that is left.

"Of course I'm hurting you!" he hisses into the young man's ear, "Why wouldn't I? Because you're telling me not to? Who says you've got a say here?"

With one rash, spontaneous movement he spins them both around, sending Reid toppling to the ground before he can think to catch himself. He´s straddling him, pinning him to the ground before the other can so much as orientate himself.

Reid stares at him out of disbelieving, horrified eyes as he attempts to scoot away, only to have Morgan grab him again and drag him back forcefully.

Pain is the only thing Morgan can seem to perceive at that moment, even as he is aware that it is blocking out rational thought. He gladly lets all the built up rage and suffering he has tried to seal for so long finally flow freely, adrenaline pumping through his veins as he wrestles Reid down with practiced ease, forcing the slighter man to still.

With both of them so close, breathing heavily, the brief notion that he wanted for them to end up this close at some point- though in a whole different way- briefly flashed across his mind. He pushes it away as the image of Carl Buford bleeds into the picture, tuning his stomach.

As it is, he can't even focus on his personal feelings fro Reid at the moment. All he can see is Buford now, feel his hands, burning shame into his skin permanently, his voice viciously hissing into his ear. And Reid not seeing that, just pouring oil into his wounds.

"Who says I care how you feel as long as I get what I want from you?" he growls, gripping the front of Reid's shirt to haul him up as he got in his face again, "Who says I´ll even bat an eyelash at your cries and pleas?"

The fabric beneath his hands rips in two as Reid pushes against him, struggling against his hold, but he doesn't care.

The scenes he is seeing before his eyes are so real in his mind by now, more palpable than they have been in decades, like it all just happened yesterday, like he never moved on at all. Like all his pain and efforts have been for nothing.

All because _they_ had to come along and remind him.

He hauls Reid's lithe frame up again, this time flipping him around, pressing him to the floor face first. Pinning his arms behind his back comes with practiced ease.

If only everything were as easy to fight and defeat.

Reid cries out in pain, his hair falling messily into his face as he writhes in Morgan's grip, unable to move.

Morgan grits his teeth as his throat closes up, his insides burning as they struggle.

He was such an idiot for even thinking the past was dead. No, it is still very much alive in every one of his actions and thoughts. He has but to close his eyes to see Buford in front of him, to recall each and every one of their encounters. Every exact wording of every threat and taunt.

"I've got you right here, no one to help…even if they knew, because you didn't say no, you never pushed me away!" he finds he can barely speak, unwelcome tears coming out of nowhere and stealing his voice, "They'll all say it was your own fault. You knew what you were getting into! You have no right to cry foul!"

God, he thought he´d gotten past this. Now he realizes that he couldn't have. He lets out a growl, dangerously close to a sob.

Why, why, _why_ does this have to be his life? Why couldn't he just be happy and whole and at peace with himself the way other people are?

He doesn't realize he has fallen silent, retreated into his own mind until he becomes aware that there is another voice, faint but definitely there, coming through the fog and distracting him from Buford for just long enough.

He blinks through his tears, staring at the person trapped beneath him. Reid looks like he is about to hyperventilate, eyes pressed shut and cheeks wet as choked pleas keep spilling from his lips; he is shaking so badly that Morgan can feel it in his arms and legs.

Morgan freezes, cold dread hitting him as he takes in the younger man´s expression.

What is he doing?

He just got so terribly mad, _Reid_ made him so mad, he needed to show him what it was they were talking about. But looking down at his friend now he realizes he has gone much too far, has made him fear that—

Morgan can't help but gag as the imagery of what comes to his mind just then infiltrates his brain. This isn't only about him, he isn't venting his anger on a lifeless doll here. No, not at all. This was his best friend, his loved—

He shudders violently, frozen in position as he stares down at Reid´s flushed face and torn shirt.

What the hell was he thinking? That this would somehow help Reid see clearer?

He lets go of Reid´s twisted arm like he´s been burned, taking a shuddering breath as he tries to keep from hyperventilating. No, no, no… this isn't him, this can't be happening!

No matter how mad Reid made him, no matter if he is right – he is one of the good guys, he doesn't victimize people. He is the victim. Isn't he?

He barely feels Reid shift underneath him, trying to catch his breath while at the same time making himself as small as possible, cringing from their proximity. He feels wide, haunted eyes zeroing in on his face and instinctively reaches out to touch the other´s shoulder, calming, seeking forgiveness maybe.

Reid shrinks back, wide eyed, and Morgan pulls back quickly and hides his wet face in shame, curling in on himself.

Broken.

All of it.

Everything is in shambles now, the last good aspects of his life shattered by his own hands. What has become of him? How is Reid supposed to ever forgive him for this? How is he supposed to forgive himself?

He opens his mouth, trying to find the words to say he is sorry, but never gets the chance to.

They both flinch when suddenly there is a loud thud and a splintering noise, informing them that the front door has just been kicked down.

Seconds later, Aaron Hotchner is standing in the door frame, his shocked expression quickly morphing into one of undisguised rage as he takes in the situation. Before either of them can move or say anything Hotch has stormed into the room, all but tackling Morgan to the ground to get him off Reid.

His fists are flying into Morgan´s face, leaving him bloody before Hotch has even uttered the first curse at him.

"How dare you touch him!" his boss hisses, beyond himself in his fury as he keeps on hitting him, "Fucking hypocrite! You were his friend, he trusted you!"

Morgan lets the words wash over him, not fighting back even if he still wants nothing more than to hurt Aaron Hotchner for what he is. At the moment though, he is a welcome source of penance for his own sins.

What separates them now? Nothing. They are the same. Both of them are monsters.

He lets his tears mingle with the blood on his face, barely aware that Reid has scrambled to his knees at some point, his voice shrill over Hotch´s yelling.

"Hotch, stop!" Even with his eyes closed to slits, Morgan can see Reid clinging to Hotch´s arm, trying to keep him from delivering any more blows. He is still crying, hands shaking badly, but he doesn't let go, "Aaron! Please, stop!"

It seems like a small eternity before the words even seem to register with Hotch. Finally though, he lets up, eyes clearing from the rage that clouded them.

The unit chief turns to gather a shaking Reid into his arms, pulling both of them to a safe distance before he cradles him to his chest, carefully checking his condition. Reid lets himself sink into his lover´s embrace without hesitance, taking what feels like the first real breath in an eternity as he lets Hotch caress his face and press kisses to his hair.

Morgan, after pushing himself up on his elbows, can't help but stare at them in their embrace. His breath catches at the pure fear and pain that he sees reflected in Hotch eyes, combined with the shaking of his entire body showing how upset he is. Morgan seems all but forgotten as he holds Reid close, caressing his face over and over with bloody, unsteady fingers.

"God, I´m so sorry, Spencer.", he whispers, guilt heavy in his voice, "I should have never let you…I didn't think he would…"

Morgan blinks, thinking he has to adjust his vision. Nothing changes though. He doesn't think he has ever seen Hotch this besides himself, except for maybe back when Hankel…

And just like that the last puzzle piece falls into place, and he realizes that what he is seeing is nothing other than love. His heart sinks into the pit of his stomach.

They aren't even the same.

He still doesn't want to believe it even now, not after the lenghty fight he just had about it. But it is plain in his boss´ eyes.

Love.

Reid is clinging to Hotch like his life is depending on it, looking scarily like he did after said case, shaken to the bone.

"He didn't," he whispers, fingers digging into the man´s messed up suit like he is trying to prevent him from moving again, "I´m fine, Aaron. It´s okay."

His gaze briefly flickers over to meet Morgan's, and he thinks he sees understanding somewhere under all the fractured glass gleaming out of Reid´s face. Even now. Or maybe especially now.

What he doesn't see is forgiveness.

The moment is over within two seconds and Reid buries his face in Hotch´s neck like he can't stand to look at Morgan anymore.

That is when he knows he has to get out.

He has to leave. There is nothing left here for him, on any level. Reid was the last part of his life that wasn't broken yet, and yet has managed to destroy even that.

He pushes himself up on shaking legs, head spinning as he walks over to the door. He halts when Hotch makes to get up to stop him, to arrest him maybe, hatred clear in his eyes.

But Reid grasps onto him all the more tightly, shaking his head, "No, don't. He wasn´t going to…please, Aaron."

Hotch wavers as he looks down at the young man in his arms, and the pain is back, clearly distracting him from everything else. Morgan doesn't know why he is even still standing there by the time Hotch looks up again, barely contained as he hisses,

"Get out of my sight, Morgan. I will see to it that you never set foot in the BAU again. And if you ever even come within seeing distance of Spencer again, I will make sure it was the last time."

Morgan doesn't answer, sure that he means every word. He's almost glad for it.

Reid doesn't look up again, doesn't even acknowledge him as he walks past them.

After another moment of trying to find the right words to say but coming up blank, Morgan finally turns around, fleeing from his own apartment.

He doesn't know where he is headed as he walks away into the night, doesn't know if he will be coming back to this place. He knows though that if he does, there won't be anyone waiting for him unless it's the cops waiting to arrest him.

It doesn't matter in the end. He is not going to run, simply because he has nowhere left to run to, not even his own mind. Penance will find him wherever he goes.

l

_*I feel the dream in me expire  
>and there's no one left to blame it on<br>I hear you label me a liar__  
><em>_'cause I can't seem to get this through_

_And I'm not scared now_

_I must assure you you're never gonna get away_

_Seems everyone's gonna be fine  
>One day too late, just as well*<em>

_l_

* * *

><p><strong>*cringes*<strong>

**I would just like to point out that I dont think every victim of abuse ends up acting like this. It´s just one scenario I made up. Obviously Morgan wont forgive himself for a long time after this, but I think that is reall ywhat shows that he isnt like Buford. **

**Just so we´re clear he wasnt going to go any furhter, he just kind of had an episode or something, and what he said were repetitions of what Buford said to him. Hotch and Reid had to assume the worst with how it looked of course, but I would say Reid at least realized what was going on by the end, that´s why he told Hoch to let Morgan go. It´s still a very destructive and traumatizing experience though so I didnt see a way to let this end any more happy. Maybe the epilogue will provide some closure. **

**Thanks for reading everybody.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Six months later**

It is on a clear and mild day at the beginning of spring that he finally returns.

Everything is going as usual until then, no indication that Spencer Reid's day is about to pass any differently from the ones before.

He wakes curled up against Aaron's side, his lover's fingers combing lazily through his hair. He smiles contently as he cuddles closer to him, lovingly nuzzling his neck.

As so often, they take the few moments they have before they need to get up to just lay there, enjoying each other's peaceful company.

A lot of things have changed for Reid since Morgan left and he counts himself fortunate that Aaron isn't among the things he had to wave goodbye.

They shower and eat in peaceful harmony before getting into Aaron's car and driving to the BAU. They are still not official, can never hope to become official without one of them at least being transferred, so officially they are carpooling -but the team is by far not as oblivious as they pretend to be when Strauss is present.

How can they be after everything that happened that day? They weren't there, granted, but they would have to be blind not to pick up on what happened between three of their closest colleagues.

JJ greets them with a warm smile as they enter the bullpen. Reid smiles back, feeling the fleeting touch of Aaron's hand on the small of his back before the older man walks towards his office.

Reid walks over to chat with JJ, Emily and Rossi before they need to start working. David Rossi is new on their team, sent to fill the gap that Morgan's sudden departure left. He's nice enough if a little gruff sometimes but Reid still can't help but be reminded of who should be in his desk every time he looks at the man.

They keep a fragile balance, living day by day.

The first few weeks afterwards were hard, with the team prying as to what exactly happened that dreadful night and Strauss demanding explicit answers from all of them. Their official version is that Morgan got mad over something thoughtless Hotch said about his past and Buford. Not very flattering to Hotch of course but it was the safest and easiest thing to do without giving all of the away.

Right after the incident, Hotch was hell-bent on persecuting Morgan any way possible, to tell Strauss everything and make sure he got arrested no matter the cost. It took all the strength that he had left out to of Reid to convince him otherwise, to protect what they had left instead of trying to get revenge.

That doesn't mean he can't see the flicker in Hotch´s eyes every time he wakes up shaken from a particularly bad nightmare, every time he flinches at being touched unexpectedly. Or roughly.

Needless to say what Morgan did has put a damper on their extracurricular activities. Overall, they still have great sex, but Hotch refuses strictly to even revisit the subject of role-playing. He gets that small panicked flicker in his eyes the few times it comes up, like he is flashing back to a particularly unpleasant memory.

Reid can't really get himself to try and convince him otherwise.

He hates that what happened has damaged them so profoundly, even if it is just that minor aspect of their lives. Sometimes he hates Morgan. Hates him for taking the inherent trust he used to hold and shatter it with a few hurtful words and actions. Hates him for betraying his friendship the way he did, in the most painful kind of way. Sometimes he thinks that if he sees Morgan again in a hundred years it will still be too soon.

Most of the time though he just feels pity for him because he knows no matter how much Hotch, or even he might resent Morgan it will never even come close to how much Morgan must hate himself.

No matter where he is right now, or how he is living, Reid doubts that that broken, devastated look has left his eyes yet, that the freshly reopened scars of that night have even come close to healing. After all, if it has taken him six months to even recover partially, it will take Morgan so much longer.

And then he worries because they haven't heard a single word from him in half a year. For all they know he could be dead.

That's why he almost doesn't believe his eyes when he goes for coffee across the street during his lunch break and sees Morgan sitting at one of the tables like he was never gone, watching him with hooded eyes from across the room.

His initial reaction is one of shock, and he almost drops his coffee as the sight of his former best friend´s face takes him right back to the last time they saw each other.

His second though is that Hotch will kill Morgan if he happens to find them both here.

As it is, Hotch is back in his office, waiting for Reid to bring him his coffee and they are all alone in midst of a crowd of strangers.

For a long moment they merely stare at each other from a distance, Reid's heart feeling like it might jump out of his chest at any second, his stomach churning.

Morgan looks tired, older somehow and his eyes still have that same broken expression about them that Reid always sees in his nightmares. It isn't as pronounced anymore but it is still there, underneath forced calm.

After he hasn't moved in what seems like a small eternity, Morgan gets up, taking a small step towards him. Then another one when Reid remains frozen on the spot. By the time the younger agent regains his bearings, they are barely two feet apart.

Reid feels his pulse thrumming in his ears as Morgan's eyes glide over his features, his whole appearance. It's hard to tell how he feels about what he´s seeing.

But then, it's momentarily just as hard for Reid to figure out his own feelings, much less those of the other man.

xx

After months on the road, with not a single friendly, familiar face, Reid looks so much like home that Morgan almost cries right then and there.

Before he can really think his actions through, he feels his body move of its own accord, stepping up to the young doctor.

Shock flickers over Reid's features along with some other emotions he´d rather not decipher. He wants to hug Reid so badly it almost hurts physically but then he barely lifts a hand and Reid takes half a step back out of his reach instantly, eyeing his hand as though it were a snake about to strike.

It sends a sharp pang of pain through Morgan's chest. He does his best to live in the after these days, having realized that at some point he has to get past the darkness holing him back. Maybe he expected Reid to have done the same. His expression now is an unwelcome trip down memory lane, one Morgan would rather avoid but which he knows is necessary.

They both stare at each other silently and Morgan can't help but think how fragile Reid looks, like a beautiful vase that has been thrown to the ground and splintered into a million tiny shards before being glued back together. He thinks he can see the breakages if he just looks the right way, just like he can imagine what -or who to be more precise- acted as the glue here.

He quickly moves on from that; he doesn't want to think of Hotch. Even after all these month, even believing that the man loves Reid he still can't grasp the concept of their relationship. Doesn't want to honestly. And that´s not what he's here for anyway, not for more discussions or fights, no.

Six month into his solitary confinement he has come to the conclusion that no disagreement is important enough to live without the young doctor in his life.

*_Can you forgive me again?  
>I don't know what I said<br>But I didn't mean to hurt you*_

He struggles for words, everything he has rehearsed suddenly buried somewhere at the back of his mind.

"Reid, please. Just give me one minute." he all but pleads quietly, doing his best to look nothing but rueful. If Reid turns and runs out now, he knows he´ll never see him again. Especially not if he tells Hotch.

"Please."

He thinks he sees Reid shudder at the sound of his voice and for a second he thinks he is just going to bolt. Then though, after watching his troubled expression intently for a long minute, his jaw sets and he nods minimally.

"Thank you," Morgan breathes a sigh of relief for the chance he´s been given, "Do you want to go-?"

"No," Reid interjects immediately, like he can't help the word from spilling out and Morgan wants to kick himself for his thoughtless phrasing.

Of course he doesn't want to be alone with him. On his better days, Morgan likes to think that Reid knows he was never going to really physically hurt him – but instinct remains instinct, insurmountable.

"There's a table." he says instead, pointing to the booth he has just gotten out of. It's a little to the side but there are still more than enough people around.

It's depressing to realize that he even thinks about something like that, but there is no avoiding it with the way Reid is acting, watching him guardedly. Whatever trust there was between them has clearly been severed profoundly.

They sit on opposite sides of the table and Morgan tries to find the right words to start as Reid fidgets on his bench, looking to the counter, the door, anywhere but at him.

"How have you been?" he eventually tires.

Reid's lips are pressed into a thin line and thinks he sees a brief expression of anger flashing across his face, then it becomes carefully withdrawn again.

"Is there something specific you came here for, Morgan?" he asks instead of an answer, voice carefully detached.

Morgan thinks he can see the emotion boiling just under the surface. Clearly, Reid isn't all that happy about this situation. He has to try anyway, say what he has to say, see if there's anything left to save.

"I…yes." He starts over, cutting the small talk this time, "I'm here to apologize. I feel horrible about what happened between us…the things I said, how I treated you –I never meant to lose control like that. I never meant to hurt you."

He looks up at Reid out of pleading eyes which he knows reflect all of his pain and regret and can only hope that Reid will believe what he is seeing. He has never been so sorry for something in his entire life.

_*I heard the words come out  
>I felt that I would die<br>It hurt so much to hurt you_

_Then you look at me_  
><em>You're not shouting anymore<em>  
><em>You're silently broken*<em>

Reid is silent for a long few seconds, his expression wavering between anger and hurt.

"Well, you did." he finally says, almost matter of factly, in contrast to his obvious inner turmoil.

He stares at his clenched hands on the table for a moment. When he looks up at Morgan again his anger breaks through for a moment, eyes unusually hard, "So what do you want now, for me to say I forgive you? That everything is fine again and that you can come back to the team?"

Morgan shakes his head, pained at the hostility he is faced with, "I'm not here because I want my old job back, Reid. I know I can't—not after everything."

That fact is a painful one but he has come to terms with it.

He leans forward and reaches across the table, trying to ignore the way Reid pulls his hands back, avoiding contact. "I only came back because…I just can't go on leaving things like this between the two of us. I know I didn't show it, but you mean too much to me for that."

Reid tenses slightly at the last part so Morgan is quick to add, "I want us to try to be friends again."

He almost expects Reid to answer gruffly again, disputing his words. Maybe the fact that he doesn't is a sign that the desperation in Morgan's gaze is getting to him, maybe it's just exhaustion.

This time the silence stretches between them and Morgan begins to wish Reid will say anything, even if it is just to vent is anger.

"Where have you been?" Reid asks after a long time, his expression softening a little with that unexpected question, his voice so soft Morgan barely hears him.

It doesn't sound accusing, but like he really wonders about it. Maybe even like he worried about it at some point.

It gives Morgan a tiny bit of hope that not all is lost yet, that Reid might still have a tiny space in his heart for him after all this time.

"Here and there," he shrugs, "I stayed with my family in Chicago for some time, working through things. I figured with Buford gone, I might start helping out more regularly at the youth center."

"That's…" Reid starts, then breaks off in mid sentence, looking at the table top, "Oh."

Morgan can tell he wanted to say good, but probably remembered in mid sentence that Morgan maybe isn't the best person to help other people deal with their problems. He doesn't say so though and Morgan is immensely glad for that fact somehow.

"Nothing's set in stone yet," he explains further, trying to sound like he´s sure of what he´s doing, "but…I've been seeing someone, getting help. In time I think it might work out well."

Reid nods slowly, biting at his lower lip unconsciously, "Oh, that's good then."

"Are you-?"

"I´ve…been seeing a therapist, too." Reid admits quietly, "And Ho…Aaron has been there for me."

Morgan can feel some of the tension hat has fallen off of Reid in the past minutes returning at the mention of Hotch but refuses to even get into that topic, afraid that he will screw this up.

Truth is, he wants for Reid to relax around him and be less on edge but he knows they can't keep beating around the bush even if it will be hard for the both of them. He doesn't want for them to sit here and pretend there isn't this huge void between them. No, if Reid can't forgive him, can't get past what happened he will have to accept that, but he has to know he tried.

"Reid…Spencer," he says quietly, scared to even use the other man´s first name, "I know how much I must have hurt you with what I did. I'm not here to make excuses for that, because there aren't any. I don't expect you to let me back into your life. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness…I just…it kills me…and I need it, Spencer. Please, I'll do anything."

_*I'd give anything now  
>to kill those words for you<br>So stay with me  
>You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.*<em>

Reid looks at him in silence for a long time, his inner conflict clearly painted onto his face. He thinks he sees the first traces of softness there, thinks he sees Reid looking for any sign that Morgan is still the man he used to know.

Morgan can feel his own heart hammering away in his chest as he waits, his stomach clenching in fear of what he will get to hear.

Reid he takes a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair in what looks like exhaustion, "No one´s even heard from you in months, Morgan. We…I…after everything, you can't expect to fix everything with just a few words."

"I know that. I´ll do anything you want…we can take it one step at a time. Just let me prove to you—"

He´s well aware that he must sound desperate by the end of that sentence, so scared of losing Reid for good after seeing him now has shown him just how much he really missed him. He would like to say more, but there isn't really anything else he can throw into the pot.

It's up to Reid now.

There's so much uncertainty and wariness in the hazel eyes staring at him from across the table that it is impossible to predict what kind of an answer he will get. When Reid suddenly gets up he feels his heart practically sink into his stomach, barely clamping down on the urge to reach out and grab the other man´s hand.

"I have to get back to work," he says quietly, eyes at the door already as he fumbles with the strap of his satchel nervously, "Aaron will start to worry."

It takes all of his strength out of Morgan to nod, to keep his utter devastation to show completely on his face.

"Of course," he hears himself say as he stares down at the table top, eyes burning, "I understand."

There is no reply for a long time, so long indeed that he is almost sure Reid has just turned around and left him to wallow in his misery. When he does hear his voice again, hesitant but definitely there, it's almost like a douse of warm water washing over him.

"I…I haven't changed my cell phone number," Reid murmurs, eyes still on the door, "Maybe we can…get some coffee sometime. Sort things out before you go back to Chicago."

It isn't much, hell Reid neither looks too convinced nor is he making eye contact, but it is still much more than he deserves.

"I'd like that," Morgan nods after a moment, taking what feels like the first real breath in a really long time.

_*Can you forgive me again?  
>You're my one true friend<br>And I never meant to hurt you*_

_xx_

_Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future._ –Lewis B. Smedes

xx

**The End.**

**Lyrics: "Forgive me" by Evanesence.**

**Thanks you reading and all your reviews.** **Have a nice summer everybody :-)**


	14. Chapter 14

Just realized I posted something here that didnt belong, sorry.

Not sure if this is allowed but since I´m already busying myself with it:

I am writng a CM story called **"Let the Right One In"** which is about vampires and werewolves. It has the team as supernatural creatures and will probably be Hotch/Reid. So if you think youd be interested in that at all please drop by my profile page, read and review.

Thanks!


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